1. She only uses “good” ingredients.
There’s a big difference between “good” and “fine”.
2. Her signature phrase is trademarked.
Is yours? Didn’t think so.
3. She keeps an army of gay men on call at all times.
Do you have a personal army of gay men? Didn’t think so.
4. This is her kitchen, the one in the barn, that is:
Do you have a barn kitchen the size of a small ballroom? Didn’t think so.
5. She has the best parody account on Twitter.
Follow it, peasants.
6. Her fashionable, collar poppin’, denim shirts are couture. Seriously.
Do you have a seamstress to make fashionable and functional denim shirts, tailored specifically to your body? Didn’t think so.
7. She knows cooking is a sensual experience.
What part of this show isn’t sensual?
8. She’s Queen of the Food Network, as if you didn’t already know that.