1.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
2.
if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
3.
*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We're fully booked "Ahem, I'm Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69" Sorry sir right this way
4.
I got in trouble at work for writing "nice" next to every 69 and had to cross them out
5.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
6.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
7.
If I had a dollar for every time I unnecessarily sexualized a sentence I'd have 69 dollars.
8.
Girl are you the moon landing cuz you were fakin' it in '69
9.
My dad told me that when he was at school he deliberately got himself held back a year TWICE just so he could graduate in the class of '69
10.
Never ask a 69 year old to act their age
11.
Literally the only thing amusing about Donald Trump at this point is the fact that he's 69.
12.
HIM: Talk dirty to me. ME: Um ok. Uh wanna ride the ovulator to the 69th floor? You like making this baloney sandwich? *velociraptor noise*
13.
[goes inside of gas station, pre-pays for 69 cents of fuel, puts on shades, does crotch-chops all the way back to the pump]
14.
*sees that a basketball team has 69 points* Haha sixty- *the team quickly gets another point* Uh nothing, I wasn't saying anything.
15.
If you write 420-696-6969 on your emergency contact form a frat will show up at the hospital w/ beer pong blasting Kid Rock
16.
If you push "I 69" on any vending machine it will give you your dollar back and unlimited Kit-Kats.
17.
most people think 4th base is the last base but if u rub doritos on a girls boobs that's 5th base. 14th base is 69'ing in a volcano
18.
[god inventing numbers] "66" very good your holiness "67" excellent work your grace "68" you've done it again my lord "69" lmao
19.
I just realized that giraffes can't 69 and now I can't sleep.
20.
blink 182 - Maroon 5 + 69 + 420 = 666
21.
Son, I'm thinking of a num- "69" *dad starts flailing his arms* SEE, HONEY, HE'S A GOD DAMN WIZARD
22.
69