25 Great Tragedies Of Our Time

It’s hard, living in the modern world.

1. Dogs cannot serve as our personal chauffeurs…

… Yet.

2. Everything that tastes good makes you fat and will eventually kill you.

I only know one way to deal with this: eat the pain away.

3. They don’t make Lime-A-Rita in 36oz cans.

because 24 ounces cannot quench my thirst for drunk.

4. Miley Cyrus hasn’t renewed her contract with Disney…

… to take children’s programming in a “brave, bold new direction.”

Join the fun on channel: 23.

5. “I Put A Spell On You” in Hocus Pocus is not a full length musical number.

6. Your cat is your best friend but it never wants to play with you.

“Yeah, hey, hey. Buddy. Could you not?”

7. Also your cat doesn’t speak human so it can’t work your office job.

8. Keenan has not reprised his role of Pierre Escargot on SNL.

9. Drake turns 27 this year… and Ke$ha… and Ellie Goulding…

And you know what happens to musicians at age 27…

Can we get them a bubble?

Drake will fill his bubble with tears cause he’s Downy soft, nahmean?

10. Also: Drake will probably never be happy.

Bro, you’re rich and famous like who is this broad anyway.

11. The Red Wedding

We are so, so far away from being over it.

12. People never learn…

… from their mistakes.

#nooffensetoBenAffleck

13. And speaking of Batman: The Batman franchise has been produced 5 times in the past 50 years - and only once was it worth a damn.

We’re still waiting for a Superman that’s worthwhile.

14. Arrested Development actually came back and everyone was like “meh.”

I guess it’s time to break out the old guitar.

15. All of your celebrity crushes are too short for you.

16. Breaking Bad ended.

And we all have a lot of feelings.

17. This is your book store and your library now.

But does that tree have WiFi?

18. New episodes of Seinfeld?

19. Leo still hasn’t gotten his Oscar.

20. Fendi didn’t buy Kanye’s design for the leather jogging pant.

“How many mother fuckers you done seen with a leather jogging pant?” Mr. West wants to know.

21. Due to globalizing entertainment markets and the collapse of DVD sales, “new” movies are mostly spin-offs, remakes, and sequels.

The concept is tested.

22. Caroline Manzo is leaving The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

23. To be cool, you have to dislike mainstream music. Even when you kind of like it.

Guys, I only like Creed ironically. But “Photography” is sort of a jam though.

24. Blerta is not actually a character on GIRLS.

25. If I don’t eat grassfed, free-range, organic meats, I’m going to get cancer. But I can’t afford it.

26. And finally: Martha Stewart’s iPad that Steve Jobs gave her is broken forever.

What is broken cannot be reforged.

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