1. Duncan ruthlessly trolls his opponents into submission.
“Oooooo, is someone adjusting their little headband?”
2. He will humiliate them at all costs.
3. Duncan cruelly singles out players and openly mocks them from the bench.
4. He even accosts players in the locker room and threatens their families.
“If you pull any of that flop shit tonight, I will personally come to your home, scale the wall, break in through that rickety window in your laundry room, and…”
5. But Timmy is also a gentleman…
7. And a powerful mage.
Duncan & Dragons.
8. If Lebron is King…
9. Then Duncan is Merlin, and Merlin was begotten by a demon on a virgin birth and totally pwned King Arthur and imprisoned the Lady of the Lake and is a shapeshifter and sowed the seeds of discord throughout Ancient Rome.
Look that shit up.
10. Also: He commands an attack pod of deadly orcas.
which Timmy calls his “Orc Squad,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings series, because Tim Duncan loves Lord of the Rings.
11. But basketball is fundamentally a game of composure…
12. And when Lebron wins something, he looks like this.
13. When Timmy wins something, he looks like this.
That’s a cold, calculating, win machine. You want that to lumber out of the shadows in a dark alley? No. You don’t. Shit’s terrifying.
14. Duncan’s so intimidating, he was ejected for laughing.
15. For which he got bloody revenge.
16. But at the end of the day, it comes down to the fans…
18. While Spurs fans looks like this…
19. And this…
This is Maria Hernandez, a 63-year-old abuela, community member, and Meals on Wheels volunteer.