1. The name of your firstborn child.
Sorry, sweetie, it was a split between “Jennifer” and “Optimus Prime” and, well, it came up heads. Now let’s transform and roll out to get some ice cream.
3. Where you should get your new tattoo.
“It came down to ‘a tattoo of a face on my butt’ or ‘a tattoo of a butt on my face,’ and I think I may have regrets.”
5. What your college major should be.
It was a toss-up between “Neuroscience” and “Memes 101,” and let’s just say there’s going to be one less neuroscientist in the world.
6. If you should quit your day job.
To be fair, minimum wage is not worth life-or-death encounters with psychopaths and their bad haircuts.
7. If you should “reply all” to that company-wide email.
8. If you should go to the emergency room.
Wait wait wait wait. So the bone’s supposed to be inside the skin?
9. If you should call for backup.
10. If you should try to sneak into the penguin exhibit or the lion cage at the zoo.
To be fair, lions are dangerous, but penguins are jerks.