Can we please keep Austin?

My rural Texas town is having another “tea party” because the first one was, evidently, so very successful. So we're depressed enough without everyone else being pricks about it, thanks.

Halleluuyerr!! If Texas was a person, it'd be Joan Rivers—loud, disturbing, totally obnoxious (but always suffering from the delusion that everyone likes her), constantly staring at her butt-ugly face in the mirror (debating which part should be the next to be paved over and plasticized), and so completely self-absorbed that she fails to notice that people have been laughing and snickering about her for decades.