1. It asks the important questions.
“Are you kids ready to fight a DRAAAAGON? Of course you aren’t, you’re just children - what the hell am I thinking?”
2. Draco is played by the amazing Lauren Lopez.
“Am I bleeding?”
“Did someone say ‘Draco Malfoy?!’”
3. There’s some pre-Glee Darren Criss.
“It was left to me by my dad, my dad that’s dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father.”
4. Dumbledore doesn’t give a crap.
“So basically, I’ve been putting everyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, a bad guy into Slytherin and the others can go wherever the hell they want.”
5. The entrances are killer.
“If this homemade Dark Mark won’t convince you…”
“Malfoy, you coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!”
6. Ginny is a total fangirl.
“I don’t want my life to be like Spiderman 3, I hated that movie.”
7. Dramione is perfectly portrayed.
“I WANT HERMIONE GRANGER! And a rocketship…”
8. Voldemort is sexy as hell.
“When I had a body, I had mad game with the bitches… Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange!”
9. Zefron is absolutely perfect, too.
“All the horcruxes are gone, I destroyed them all.”
“What, even my zefron poster?!?!”
“Especially the zefron poster!”
“I wish I could say that it was me, because I feel that I love Zefron the most…but it was definitely a voice coming from within this room.”
10. Pigfarts is real.
“Dumbledore? Pfft! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar. Rumbleroar is the Headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion. Who can talk.”
11. Hermione is wonderfully assertive.
“Actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.”
12. Draco rolls everywhere.
“Come on, I’m tired. Can’t we just be Death Eaters?”
13. Voldemort and Quirrell are the best couple.
“You know Quirrell, I’ve really grown attached to you - no pun intended.”
“So you came back?”
“I came home.”
14. Harry knows he’s cool.
“Yeah, Hermione, I’m the boy who lived. Not died. God.”
15. The kissing is super uncomfortable.
“You know, I used to think looks weren’t important and now I think they’re more important than anything.”
16. Cedric is a douche.
“Cho Chang, I am so in love with Cho Chang. From Bangkok to Ding Dang, I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!”
17. Voldemort can dance again.
“Voldemort out, bitches.”
18. Ron is always eating.
“It’s just every time I look at her I get pains in my chest, and I just know it’s her fault, that bitch.”