Seven Lies Parents Tell Toddlers

Just stop. You look ridiculous.

1. “We’re all out.”

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No more cookies? That was the last fruit snack? YOU LIE! We know there is another box up there somewhere but you just want to keep it for yourself. For Scandal Thursday. You didn’t think I knew about Scandal Thursday, did you? I hear a lot from my crib. You’d be surprised.

You’re not some kind of communist general so stop rationing my snacks.

You don’t know my life and you certainly don’t know my nutritional needs.

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2. “I’m not going to say it again.”

Actually you are. You’re going to say it 20-40 more times each time getting louder and more frantic, which can I just say, I find FUNNY. YOU’RE FUNNY WHEN YOU’RE MAD.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I truly believe that adults enjoy the sound of their own voice. We already know you love looking at your own face (selfies) so maybe all of this vocal repetition is like talking a “talkie.”

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3. “I’m going to give you one more chance.”

Let’s file this one under “I’m going to count to three.” First, how do you expect me to ever get good at math when you keep using numbers as threats. Years from now I’ll be sitting in an Algebra class and my teacher will say, “Gifted child, what is 1x = 2 +3.”

A shiver will run down my spine. Maybe I’ll even fear vomit.

My teacher will say, “What’s wrong? Who made you scared of 1, 2 and 3? Tell me and I will avenge you.”

I will be too afraid to talk but I’ll take out a photo of you and with trembling hands put it on my desk. I will point to your face.

My teacher will then rip off their suit revealing a ninja outfit and pull a katana out of nowhere.

This is the moment you should start running. I’m sorry. It’s out of my hands now. If only you hadn’t used numbers as threats.

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4. “You need to walk/I’m not going to pick you up.”

You sure? Because I’m almost positive that if I move 1 inch an hour down this busy sidewalk you will eventually. Sure, you’ll be mad and it won’t be the smoothest take-off, but I’m OK with that.

The bottom line is: sometimes toddlers’ legs get tired. This is nobody’s fault (it might be yours), but you need to handle your responsibilities. I’m your responsibility. Handle means “hold” in English.

What? You can’t pick me up and carry 20 bags of groceries, a diaper bag, eight rocks that I found, and the house keys? I’d love to help but that sounds like an adult problem.

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5. “I love you.”

“Those three words. Are said too much. They’re not enough.” -Snow Patrol

Can you really say you love someone if you’re not willing to play hide and seek for a few hours at a time? Can you claim to care for somebody if you refuse to tickle their back until the sun peeks over the horizon? I ask you, can you truly utter those sacred words of deep affection and undying commitment, if you won’t make someone a Nutella sammich at 3AM?

The answer is no.

You can’t.

If you won’t lie with me and just forget the world because New Girl is on, don’t you dare say “I love you.” Meditate on that.

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6. “It’s 10 o’clock.”

I get it. Sometimes you get tired and want me to go to bed early. But I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born like 22 months ago, give or take, so I’m smart enough to know that if the mail hasn’t arrived yet, if the sun is blazing hot and bright in the sky, and if there are children riding bikes in the street, it is not 10PM.

You sound ridiculous. Let’s play.

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7. “Santa is watching you.”

Really? Santa just got off work three months ago so I’m pretty sure he’s still recovering. Also, using my personal relationships against me is really low. Everybody knows Santa doesn’t set up his spy cameras until right before Thanksgiving.

And since we’re on the topic of surveillance, you know who’s watching you? GOD. Make me some food.


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