1. I've decided to sell my hoover.
2. I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
3. My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two.
4. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.
5. I've got no problem buying tampons: I'm a modern man.
6. My hot water heater packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans.
7. I was playing chess with my friend and he said: "Let's make this interesting".
8. Crime in multi-storey car parks.
9. I was in a band which we called The Prevention.
10. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
11. You know who really gives kids a bad name?
12. "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: "Oh, two or three."
13. I've written a joke about a fat badger.
14. I don't like light bulbs.
15. I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us.
16. I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar.
17. I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
18. I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
19. I bought myself some glasses.
20. Pornography is often frowned upon.
21. This show is about perception and perspective.
22. Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me.
23. Hedgehogs.
24. As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
25. A lady with a clipboard stopped me the other day and said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
26. My mother told me: "You don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to."
27. The universe implodes.
28. I used to think an ocean of soda existed.
29. I needed a password eight characters long.
This year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe starts on 7 August 2015. Click here for the full comedy line up or to book tickets.