1. This is how you reacted whenever you found out you were going to Alton Towers as a kid.
As soon as you finished celebrating, you’d immediately go and wait in the car (despite the fact you weren’t setting off for another two weeks).
2. You’ll buy any product - no matter how unpalatable - if it has a 2 for 1 entry voucher on the label.
Spoiler alert: these are not very nice.
3. You have a recurring nightmare about arriving too late to go on any of the rides…
“Maybe if I run I’ll have time to go on Air. Aargh! The park keeps changing shape and the zombies from Duel are chasing me and everything’s closing!”
4. Which is why you always force everyone to get up at 3am on the day of your trip…
Better safe* than sorry, right?
5. You run like the wind as soon as you arrive.
“HURRY UP WE ONLY HAVE SEVEN HOURS.”
6. You own about 25 of these.
Each time you visit, you promise yourself you’ll remember to pack a poncho so you don’t have to buy a new one for the water rides. You never do.
7. You wish your garden had a ‘projectile vomiting frog’ water feature like the one on Towers Street.
They don’t look very well. Maybe they ate too many Lemon and Slime Jaffa Cakes.
8. You plan every visit as strategically as a military commander.
‘We have to hit the water rides as soon as we arrive so we have time to dry off before the lunchtime rush at Forbidden Valley! ANY FOOL KNOWS THAT.’
9. You spend an extra hour queueing up for the front two seats on Rita: Queen of Speed…
…then instantly regret it when the G force hits.
10. You feel like you have to go on Oblivion, despite the fact it’s terrifying and you’re not sure you enjoy it.
DON’T LOOK DOWN.
11. This is your Facebook profile pic.
You also own three hundred other ride photos, including one of you being sick on the Log Flume in 1997.
12. You created a Change.org petition dedicated to bringing back the teacup ride.
‘Marauder’s Mayhem Gunpowder Barrels?’ NO. They’re the Merrie England Tea Cups and we want them back. Not cool, Alton Towers. Not cool.
13. You have a copy of every version of the park map dating back to 1981.
Some of the (rather tame) original attractions included a parrot show, nature trails and a Dolls House Museum. Who needs Rita: Queen of Speed when you could have a lovely, soothing trip on a miniature railway instead?
14. You miss the Swan Boats so much that you bought one on eBay.
Though of course, you never actually went on them because they were far too boring. The Swan Boats were in service from 1987 to 2003. Approximately three people used them during that time.
15. This is how you react when you hear the ‘Alton Towers music’ on TV adverts.
…otherwise known as In The Hall Of The Mountain King by Edvard Grieg. All together now: doo doo DOO doo DOO doo DOO, doo doo doo DOO DOO DOO.
16. You refuse to call this ride ‘The Blade’.
It’s clearly a pirate ship. Stop lying to us, Alton Towers. Move it to Mutiny Bay where it belongs.
17. You once got mild whiplash on the Corkscrew…
…but you ran round and went on it another three times anyway because it didn’t have a queue. It never had a queue, because whiplash.
18. Unlike most people, you actually visit the gardens.
Even though they were designed by famous 18th century landscape architect Capability Brown, the gardens at Alton Towers are usually empty. Ain’t nobody got time for a walk in the park when they’ve spent £48 to go on the rides. Apart from you, of course, because you have an annual pass.
19. You own a keyring version of this guy.
20. You love Nemesis so much you would live on it - and eat all your meals on it- if you could.
You also measure how good a day you had by the number of times you managed to ride Nemesis. “Remember when we went on it 14 times in a row and you were sick into the weird red water?” “Yeah, that was awesome.”
21. By the end of the day, your feet are so sore you finally agree to use the Skyride…
Final note: by ‘largest’, we’re referring to the physical size of the park (800 acres), rather than the number of rides. Blackpool Pleasure Beach has slightly more, but none of them are as good as the Squirrel Nutty Treetop Adventure.
Your move, Pleasure Beach.