1. Bible Adventures (NES)
Bible Adventures was actually three games in one. What a bargain! In Noah’s Ark, the player was tasked with rounding up animals by knocking them out with an object that resembled a barrel. Just like the real Noah did.
Historical accuracy: 3/10.
2. Bible Man (PC)
“Help us, Bible Man! Mop up our sins with your neon coloured squeegee of salvation!”
3. Derek (PC)
Yes, this game is called Derek. The box blurb states that you’ll ‘meet fascinating people as you journey through the island of Derek. Solve amazing puzzles with the help of your KJV Bible!’
It’s a snip at just $24.95.
4. Captain Bible in Dome of Darkness (MS-DOS)
Captain Bible was a 1994 game that featured the dashing, Greek-toga wearing musclebound guy above (who seems to be wearing a Jewish Menorah on his chest). In the game, Captain Bible has to journey to a city that’s under attack by…
Oh, never mind.
5. Super 3D Noah’s Ark (SNES)
This unlicensed conversion of Wolfenstein was neither Super or 3D. It featured a version of Noah who looked like a horrified Santa wandering round underground bunkers trying to wake up sleeping grey and brown blobs (possibly animals?)
At least he didn’t hit them with a barrel.
6. Journey of Jesus, The Calling (Facebook)
Forget Farmville, this innovative Facebook app is the future of video gaming. In the game, you explore the life of Jesus (played here by a child-catching Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees) while collecting- er - Bibles and stuff. Probably.
8. The Bible Game (PS2)
This Biblical trivia game featured questions that were too hard for kids and minigames that were too hands-on for technophobic, Ned Flanders style adults, meaning that the game failed on pretty much every level. Which is probably why there’s a Fail Whale on the cover.
9. King of Kings: The Early Years (NES)
Jesus! On a flying camel!
What’s not to love?
10. Left Behind: Eternal Forces (PC)
Don’t you just hate it when you get left behind during the Rapture and have to try and pray your way out of danger as the world descends into anarchy around you? So does this pointing guy. “Oh no! I forgot to add a rapture clause to my insurance!”
11. Dance Praise (Windows/ Mac OS X)
Developed by a dad who objected to the ‘irreligious’ music in Konami’s Dance Dance Revolution, Dance Praise is the terrible Christian dance-mat based game the whole family can enjoy! Apart from your children, who hate you.
12. Saints of Virtue (PC)
Saints of Virtue sees a man who looks like the Christian love child of Darth Vader and C3P0 battling floating masks representative of negative moral choices.
That’s all you need to know. Apart from the fact that it’s still on sale even though it was released in 1999, and it still costs $10 to download.
13. The Axys Adventures: Truth Seeker (PC)
The Zelda-esque Axys Adventures won the Christian Game of the Year award for 2007 at the Christian Game Developers Conference.
Yes, that’s right. There’s a Christian Game Developers Conference.