Jean-Pierre, The Ranch Dressing Sommelier

Dusk. You and a date step out of your chartered towncar and into the velveteen embrace of haute cuisine. A prix fixe dinner awaits … a veritable jungle of flavor! But something isn’t right … each dish seems dull, dry, wanting for an exquisite pairing! Oh, who can right this wrong? Who dares to be your safari guide for the evening? He is brave, he is handsome, he is fearless …! He is Jean-Pierre, the Ranch Dressing Sommelier.

Salut! My friend! Had I known you were coming, I would have chased away all of the other patrons! And you’ve brought a friend tonight, wonderful, wonderful, please, sit down! I have a few bottles of your favorite ranch dressing on hand, Hidden Valley for Everything! Thicker, ranchier! Come, dinner awaits!

Your usual table! Open, of course. I would kick out anyone from sitting there, my friend, if they were sitting there! I would kick out my own mother, may she rest in peace. And I have a chilled bottle of Hidden Valley for Everything to start. Please, relax … I will be back shortly with your first course.

For the Hors d’oeuvre, we have a reimagining of your, how do you call it? The American “pizza pie.” But you will see, with ranch instead of your boring condiments, oh, how it sparkles! We French, we are traditional, too held back by our gravity, and that is why I came to your country! For joy! For experimenting! For Ranch!

Taste the ranch! It is delicate, it bounces on your tongue, a tangy blend of herbs, and of spices! Oh, and I must comment: your table manners are superb! Your knife and your fork … are they dancing together, dancing in the Grand Hall of Pizza? What a sight, what a sensation! I wonder: which one leads, and which one follows …?

Down to brass tacks, now, with a nice hot dog! Please, note the body of the Ranch … it is a tactile condiment, farm-fresh, with a bouquet that is creamy and rich, complementary of both the meats and the bread! This particular pairing caused a riot when I first debuted it in Auvergne! The Mayor called for peace, but a fight broke out … over who should lead the parade!! Ah, to be young again.

The ranch breathes so well with this dish, does it not? It is a love story. A love story about farm-fresh flavor and creamy tangy promise of a better tomorrow. That is what we all want, no? Tangy hope??

All done! Compliments to the Chef, oh! You are too kind, my friend, too kind! And for the last course, I offer you a choice of pairing … perfection in both hands! Ha ha! All choice is illusory, we tiptoe on the wind. Oh, tra la la! But I assure you, both bottles are current vintage, from a very good crop.

To finish, chicken wings! The tangy bouquet mixes effortlessly with the spice, a pairing of fate and glory! I envy the destiny of the wings, because I am but a sommelier. Or have I only convinced myself of this? Do I maybe instead live in denial, quieting my thoughts with the fiction of simplicity? Am I instead a tumult, yearning for mindless beauty? Beckett says the light gleams on each of us but for an instant, and then we return to the night. But I speak too much! Enjoy your tangy Hidden Valley for Everything.

What an evening. The stories and the wine and the ranch dressing have all flowed like water down a water-wall? Is that what you call them? Oh, a waterfall, I forget. I have had perhaps a little too much ranch dressing! But we must close the evening, midnight runs into the distance, and so now I will bring you the bill and we will settle up, non?

Ha ha! Did you think I would really charge you, my friend? The flavor, she is on the house! Adieu! A plus! Come back soon! And spread the joy of ranch in your life, and so too spread the name of Jean-Pierre, the Ranch Dressing Sommelier!

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