1. Ad: “I have a couch and love seat for free. you have to pick up and load. needs cleaning. does have a couple of tears. Will pay you 20 dollars to pick up.”
Translation: I will literally pay you to get this nightmare away from me; it has ruined everything I’ve ever experienced.
2. Ad: “ABSOLUTE BARGAIN!!! BRAND NEW, NEVER USED, STILL IN-PLASTIC. BOUGHT FOR A GIFT LESS THAN A MONTH AGO FOR $340.00 BEST WAY TO REACH ME, IS MY BUSINESS #”
Translation: This picture is just an example of what it could look like if the plastic cover was off because I totally have this real mattress.
3. Ad: “jailbroken ps3 Fs/Ft - $200: Im looking for a non jailbroken os3 bundle xbox360 laptop ipods iphones android phones or cash txt or call”
Translation: My house is under surveillance, and you will be too.
4. Ad: “Studio Beats By DRE (REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!) - $160: These are the real thing, not like the ones you can find peope here on craigslist selling in bunches and many colors. Dont buy knock offs or immitations for 150 or less.”
Translation: Pay me $160 or more for these fake Beats by Dre headphones.
5. Ad: “The Television is 3D ready *glasses not included*”
Translation: My TV gave me a headache so I’m selling it. Ibuprofen also not included.
6. Ad: “This is a portable air conditioner that I used in garage hade no hoses for it and does run”
Translation: I’m selling because it works… works hard at flooding every room it’s in.
7. Ad: “this is a guaranteed good price, see details at website below”
Translation: I’m directing you to another site that directs you to an eBay listing because these amplifiers “fell off a truck.”
8. Ad: “$125! THIS IS GREAT FOR SOMEONE TO FIX AND SELL! ONE OF A KIND WHITE COOKTOP ONE KNOB MISSING AND ONE BURNER NOT WORKING THE STOVE IS IN PERFECT CONDITION! CASH AND PICK UP ONLY!”
Translation: Add another button and sell it, but do not keep it if you value life.
9. Ad: “Hello I have a brand new in the box Samsung Galaxy S4.b […] The Phone needs to be gone today.”
Translation: “In the box” is a loose term, but please buy it before I get caught. Caught? You said caught. I said before I aught to sell this to someone else.
10. Ad: “Apple iPad Mini 4G 32GB black - $409: $100 Free Gas & $100 Free Groceries with Purchase email for more details”
Translation: I’ve included $100 of free gas so you will drive to a more convenient location for me to rob you.
11. Ad: “The suction doesn’t seem to be what it once was but I know there is a way to address that given that these vacuums are never supposed to lose suction.”
Translation: I broke it.
12. Ad: “I have consolidated my home theater setup, and now only need one Blu-ray player.”
Translation: My home theater pyramid scheme appreciates your expansion funds.
13. Ad: “inclused 4 toners in a box , yellow, magenta, cyan and i can’t remember the other one. “
Translation: Does it print? Seems likely. Does it print in black? I don’t know, you’ll love all the colors, just buy them.