So this is what a 28,000-year-old dildo looks like:
This ancient stone phallus, wielded in the above photo by German archaeologist Petra Kieselbach, is one of the oldest known representations of male genitalia.
The polished stone willy had to be rebuilt from 14 stone fragments after it was found ten years ago in Germany's Hohle Fels cave.
It's, uh, 20 centimeters (8 inches) long and three centimeters wide.
Yiiiiikes.
But hey, this solid stone dildo was much more than just a solid stone dildo. Professor Nicholas Conard of the University of Tübingen told the BBC that the phallus likely had multiple uses:
In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, it was also at times used for knapping flints.
This is what "knapping flints" means:
Can your dick do that?
We originally thought this particular penis was on display as a part of the Wellcome Collection's Institute of Sexology – that was a mere fantasy – but their exhibit does apparently feature many equally lovely, though less ancient, historical dildos.
View this video on YouTube
The Institute of Sexology exhibit is showing from now till September 2015.
Ancient humans: They're just like us.
As noted above, the Wellcome Collection actually do NOT have this magnificent stone penis in their ongoing Institute of Sexology exhibit. An earlier version of this article incorrectly stated that the eight-inch, millennia-old, time-tested, literal dildo was with us here in London. This was an unfortunate and extremely sexy error. In conclusion: DO NOT GO TO THE WELLCOME COLLECTION ASKING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR ANCIENT DILDO.
However, do go and enjoy the Wellcome Collection's other smut. Apparently it's very popular.