13 Totally Misandrist Animals

Why do these radical feminanimals hate men so much?

1. Komodo dragons.

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Female komodo dragons hate men so much they figured out how to reproduce without them. Scientists have recently discovered that komodo dragons, the largest living species of lizard, are one of the 70 species of vertebrates capable of parthenogenesis, or asexual reproduction. One such lady-lizard, Flora of the London Chester Zoo, produced 11 viable eggs despite never having coupled with a gentleman komodo. Let it serve as a warning to male komodos everywhere: Flora and her kind consider you obsolete.

2. Bonobos.

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Bonobos are basically just horny, vegetarian lesbians. They live in matriarchal groups of up to 100 bonobos, with the lady-bonobos calling all the shots. Young female bonobos (or bono-hos) join new groups by seducing the higher-ranking females with a combination of grooming and sexual favors. Male bonobos are bigger and stronger, yet the females manage to repress them with their radical feminist politics.

3. Southern right whales.

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Female southern right whales have no consideration for male feelings. They’ll mate with up to 6 males at a time, and all they care about is which whale has the biggest dick. She doesn’t even care who the father of her offspring is. After her twisted whale-orgy, she just swims away into the open sea, a trail of broken whale-hearts behind her, and a belly full of battling whale-sperm.

4. The black widow spider.

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Ugh, the black widow spider is such a man-eater. Seriously. She’s always literally eating male black widow spiders. She doesn’t hang out with any males all year until it’s time to mate, murder and munch them. Classic black widow.

5. The octopus.

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One time, a scientist named Christine Huffard was out observing octopi in the wild, as you do, and she saw something that should be a warning to all males of all species: A female octopus had sex with a male octopus, and then strangled him to death with three arms. Textbook misandry.

6. Scorpions.

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Scorpions are always sending mixed signals. One minute she’s leading you on in a seductive mating dance, the next she’s devouring you for dinner. What are these blurred lines??

7. Seahorses.

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Sure, they mate for life with a dude seahorse, but that’s because those dude seahorses are totally whipped, you know? I mean, she literally makes him get pregnant, and then he has to give birth for up to 12 hours. Female seahorses are probably all secretly lesbians.

9. Jumping spiders.

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Male jumping spiders are proof that nice guys finish last. They have to do a whole big mating dance, and if the female doesn’t like it, she murders him. Then eats him. Then probably reads Jezebel.

10. The praying mantis.

The praying mantis is always biting her man’s head off. Literally, she has sex and then she bites his head off. Sometimes she’ll eat the rest of him too. Feeding on her erstwhile lover’s body provides her with the nourishment to help produce young. What a bitch.

11. The Haplophryne mollis

The Haplophryne mollis is also known as the “ghostly seadevil” — or the ghostly SHE-devil, as far as we’re concerned. The females of this species of deep-sea anglerfish are much larger than the males, who latch on several at a time to the female and permanently fuse to her body to provide her with sperm. If the males can’t find a strong empowered female to latch on to, they die. The males are thus considered to be “sexual parasites”. Sexual parasites? Please, these males have a name. The name is Haplophryne mollis.

12. Penguins.

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When it’s time to mate, male penguins get all dolled up by preening themselves, and have to build a nice, comfortable nest for his future family. And what do the female penguins do? Waddle around, deciding whose vocal communications they like best, before picking which male she considers good enough to couple with. Female emperor penguins are the most dangerous of penguin misandrists. After laying a single egg, they ditch it immediately to swim around for two months with their gal-pals, while the lovers that worked so hard to woo them sit around in the bitter Arctic winds, with nothing to eat, and nothing to repair their dignity.

13. Honey bees.

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Don’t let this beautiful honey bee fool you. She’s part of a super-misandrist colony that only needs males (condescendingly known as “drones”) to mate with their queen, a process that causes a male’s penis to explode and usually kills him. If he’s not already dead, he will then be driven from the colony and into the winter cold, all so that he doesn’t use up any of their sweet, sweet honey. Don’t date a honey bee, boys. It’s literally sexual suicide.

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