1. OK, first things first, this isn't a post for people who are all, "OH, look at me, I'm so cute, I can't stand mornings!!!!!"
2. THIS, comrades, is a post for people who are profoundly traumatised by the process of waking up each and every morning.
3. You're not just like, "Oh, jeez, I haven't had my coffee yet!"
4. You wake up every morning and – NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS – it's the worst part of your day by a mile.
5. You have never made a remotely cute face in the morning.
6. No matter how logical and put together you are for the rest of the day, when you've just woken up, NOTHING is worth getting out of bed for.
7. Seriously, nothing is more important than continued sleep. Supposed to be meeting a friend? Fuck friendship.
8. Supposed to be in class, getting an education to give you a better shot in life? OH WELL.
9. Need to go to work and earn the money that you require to live? DOESN'T MATTER.
10. If you have ever, EVER woken up and got up right away – and you probably haven't! – you look back on it fondly as one of the strangest and nicest mornings of your life.
11. You have pretty much never eaten breakfast.
12. Instead, when you wake up, you spend the first 5–10 minutes of the day contemplating everything bad about yourself, and the world, and your job, and planet Earth.
13. You've thought some pretty dark shit in the first few minutes of each day.
14. Relationships that usually feel wonderful, loving, and secure come under intense review first thing in the morning.
15. Yes, if a loved one is unfortunate enough to experience your first moments of wakefulness with you, they've probably heard some melodramatic shit.
16. Perhaps your loved one is actually a morning person, in which case they REALLY don't understand.
17. The weird thing is, you're probably not even a miserable shit for the rest of the day!
18. The very best thing about the weekend is, of course, the fact that you can sleep in.
19. But then every Sunday night, you lie awake dreading the worst morning of all: Monday.
20. And as long as you're lying awake at night, you figure you may as well watch TV since you're going to be miserable no matter what.
21. Because, despite what your mother judgementally tells you, it ACTUALLY doesn't matter how much or how little sleep you get: You will be completely miserable in the morning no matter what.
22. Most nights you tell yourself that tomorrow morning will be different.
23. You've made bargains with yourself to try to get out of bed in the morning, like, "IF YOU GET YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS UP RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN BE IN BED BY 6PM TONIGHT, PROMISE."
24. You're perfectly aware that getting out of bed a little bit earlier will make your entire life better. (You could be early! You could have breakfast! You could wear clothes that match!)
25. In the end, your loathing of waking up has become a part of your identity. There's nothing you can do about it: It's just you.
