I was at a birthday party and I kept thinking about kissing her. Just walking over and planting my lips on hers. It was a silly thought but I kept thinking about it. After about the fifth time of running this image through my head I asked myself that one question- “Am I a lesbian?”
My heart dropped. For fourteen years I had no doubt in my mind I was straight. I had no problem with gay people, but me being gay was a completely different situation. When I was little I fantasized about dating Nick Jonas and Justin Bieber, not girls, never girls. But when I really thought about it, I had never exactly liked boys. I liked the thought of them liking me, but I’ve never had the crush that girls my age talk about- the whole butterflies in your stomach, the sweaty palms, and the stumbling your words- I never had that. But with my eyes opened to this lifestyle, I finally saw someone that way. (Besides Joseph Gordon-Levitt)
She has the cutest nose- it’s like a button. Her eyes are the most beautiful brown I’ve ever seen. Her hair is a long and silky black, and when she smiles I finally get those butterflies. She’s an amazing singer, and sometimes she evens sends videos of her singing. She’s that crush I’ve always heard of. But she likes him. She’s straight. I’m gay. She doesn’t know. And sometimes I sit and think about how many times this is going to happen. I wonder how many times I’m going to think someone is gay and when I make a move, they reveal their heterosexuality, and I have pretend like I have done nothing. These are the times when I wish I was straight.
Six people know- my two sisters (who sadly found out through my secret Twitter), a close friend, and my three best friends. To the rest of the world, I’m in the closet. (The part that I really hate about being in the closet is not being able to make jokes about being gay) I’m starting high school in a year, and being gay is all I think about- when to come out, who to tell, if I should try to date a guy, or if I should even come out at all. What if I come out and a week later, Astronaut Mike Dexter is knocking at my very own door (Or Hugh Jackman)? And what if people tell me about the sin I’m committing? What if my teachers don’t like gay people? What if my whole high school career is a nightmare because people can’t look past my sexuality? And what about my parents- how will they treat me? What about my whole family? If I have an inspirational coming out story, will I get to be on Ellen?
Sometimes I want to be straight. I don’t want to worry about coming out, and I can fight the battle for gay marriage without having the outcome alter a large part of my life. I want a man who will watch football games with me. I want to have a baby the way straight couples have children. I don’t want to be in the sexually minority. But I can’t change, and when I think about the way I feel about girls, I remember why I feel the way I feel, and I love it. Also, a lot of girls like football.
But now for some messages I have been dying to send:For those of you who say gay people should just not be gay, are you kidding me? I don’t know why I’m gay, but I can’t just change my ways. It’s like asking you, a naïve straight person, to instantly become a homosexual. Being a Roman Catholic, I understand I am committing a sin, but that is my own choice. God does not hate me; I understand he disapproves of the idea of homosexuality, but he does not hate homosexuals. He will be with me every day, even when I am committing a sin. Don’t tell me what God thinks about me, because I know what he thinks about me- he loves me as much as he loves straight people. And no matter my sexuality, I love him as much as you do.
Finally, I have something to tell all Americans voting for a gay marriage bill: despite your religion, race or ethnicity, you are an American. And America is supposed to be the melting pot, not limiting to a certain religion or race. America is not a country of just Catholics or just Lutherans; we are a nation of people. Voting against same-sex marriage because of your religion is erasing the American Dream of a country who accepts all. Why can’t America stay true to this dream?
So here it is- I, a fourteen year old who watches too much television, am a lesbian*.
*With the occasional acceptation of people like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ben Wyatt, Kriss, etc..