@jimmyfallon I once got a text from my mom where "You're amazing" autocorrected to "You're adopted" #momtexts
@jimmyfallon My mom once texted me "can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me" #momtexts
On Valentine's Day last year, my mom texted me, "Enjoy your VD." Not the best time to abbreviate, mom. #momtexts
One year, I got the book "He's Just Not That Into You" from FIVE different people. Message received. #worstgiftever Sorry, @gregorybehrendt
@jimmyfallon a $25 Starbucks Gift card... The balance was only $10 #worstgiftever
My dad once got me a shirt that was his size and said he would take it if I didn't want it. #worstgiftever
Friend:can I order off the kids menu? Waiter: if you call me daddy.. #myweirdwaiter
#Myweirdwaiter Was dining alone and the waiter sang ‘All By Myself’ every time he went past my table. As if I wasn’t feeling lonely enough.
Direct quote: "Can you tip me in cash, bro? I think I'm getting fired in about 20 minutes." #myweirdwaiter
@jimmyfallon My then 5th grader used to sing "gimme the beef boys to free my soul" Eventually I had to stop her w/o details. #misheardlyrics
The chant in Michael Jackson's "Wanna be Starting Something" as "I'm ashamed of the side of my moccasins." #misheardlyrics
@jimmyfallon "Do a little dance, make a little love, Italian Ice, Italian Ice." #misheardlyrics
The ability to eat salad and be as happy as every person I've ever seen eating a salad in a commercial #mysuperpower #SaladIsNotThatFun
I would have the power to shrink my hands to be able to eat pringles.#mysuperpower
The power to stop letting anyone over the age of 30 let it think it is ok to twerk in public places #mysuperpower
My uncle always wraps birthday gifts in the obituaries to remind us of how lucky we are to celebrate another year. #myweirdrelative
@jimmyfallon uncle got banned from Chinese buffet 4staying 4 hours and then trying 2 take home 50 crab legs in his pocket. #myweirdrelative
@JimmyFallon My Aunt wears her bangs taped to her forehead so they don't move and look even. #MyWeirdRelative
I can explain in great detail why season 3 of Dawson's Creek is the best season. #WhyImSingle
@jimmyfallon the only thing I have in my fridge is a rotisserie chicken and a box of wine #whyimsingle
I don't know how to respond to compliments. A guy once told me my hair looked nice & I responded, "thanks, I grew it" #whyimsingle
@jimmyfallon 82 Nissan Sentra with tape stuck in cassette player. I listened to "Breakfast at Tiffany's" 12,321 times. #worstcarieverhad
1979 Chevette no trunk lock, white & rust trim, two front spares, I think it got stolen once but it was left 1 block away #worstcarieverhad
@jimmyfallon during my driver's test, the instructor tried to roll down his window and the glass fell out. #worstcarieverhad
@jimmyfallon I pulled an ab muscle laughing at the 6 ppl who face planted on treadmills when power went out. #myweirdgymstory
@jimmyfallon Fake ponytail fell off playing pick-up bball against all guys. I scored 2 win the game, but they laughed!#myweirdgymstory
@jimmyfallon back in college we saw a guy looking in the mirror screaming 'these aren't shoulders, these are boulders!' #myweirdgymstory
@jimmyfallon I used to think a blender was actually called a margarita, because that's all my parents ever used it for. #iusedtothink
#iusedtothink the asterisk on the phone dialing pad was a snowflake my parents used to "call Santa" to tell him when I was being naughty.
#IUsedToThink that Ellen DeGeneres was called Ellen THE Generous because she was so generous.
Pop rock cat litter #whydonttheymakethat
A mirror that slaps you when you are dressed like an idiot #whydonttheymakethat
A "nobody cares" button on Facebook. #WhyDontTheyMakeThat ??
I used mom's mascara on my 10yr old peach fuzzed upper lip to make it look like I had a real moustach. #ithoughtiwascool
Everyone had their hats on backward so I tried to start the trend of wearing your backpack on your belly. Didn't catch on. #ithoughtiwascool
#ithoughtiwascool when I was in 5th grade, i put on sunglasses and referred to myself in the third person as shades
@jimmyfallon we were on a chairlift heading up the slope. She dumped me. Then the lift broke. Awkward half hour of silence. #howigotdumped
@jimmyfallon i told a guy "i don't think things are working out" as an april fool's joke...he agreed. #howigotdumped
Got a card w/ a Netflix subscription & Baskin Robbins gift card. Card read: Want you to be ok, just don't want you anymore. #howigotdumped
Almost drowned while fixing a hole in the pool, by wearing a backpack full of rocks & trying to breathe through a garden hose. #ThatsMyDad
@jimmyfallon My dad works on his laptop in a recliner while watching sports and claps with his feet when something good happens. #thatsmydad
.@jimmyfallon My dad calls his email address his "web site." #thatsmydad