1. Some are too noisy
At Borley Rectory in Essex, ghostly bells continually ring. And if you can’t sleep when you’re dead, what’s the point?
2. Some have too many witches
Alongside a Bronze Age burial site, Pendle Hill, Lancashire saw the execution of 12 witches who produced effigies made of human teeth and hair. That’s straight up creepy.
3. Sometimes, ghosts can be dicks
At Berry Pomeroy Castle in Devon, The Blue Lady lures passers-by to her aid – and if they help her, they fall to their death. Also, it has dungeons.
4. Or there can be too many of them
Woodchester Mansion in Gloucestershire has at least a dozen ghosts, including a phantom horseman, little girl and old woman, another ghost in the cellar, a floating head, and the Tall Man of the Chapel. It’d be like living in a hostel.
5. Or they could be over-enthusiastic swordsmen
A pair of duellists once interrupted a female guest at Athelhampton House in Dorset. Show-offs.
6. Certain places are really too mainstream
Actually named the most haunted place in Britain by Guinness, the village of Pluckley, Kent is the Coldplay of places to haunt.
7. Sometimes, there’s a bear
The Tower of London is spacious, but it’s haunted BY A FREAKING BEAR.
8. Sometimes, the decor is scarier
Samlesbury Hall may be haunted by Lady Dorothy Southworth, but it also looks like Robin Thicke’s trousers. That’s the main reason to not live there, even if you are already dead.
9. Sometimes the name is just too on-the-nose
10. Skeletor might already live there
That is most definitely Skeletor. Recorded on CCTV at Hampton Court, Middlesex, in 2003, it’s a good reason to avoid.
11. Some have ghosts who’ll try to swindle you out of money
At the Haunch of Vension, Wiltshire, a Whist player is occasionally visible in the bar. He had been found to be cheating at cards, and a butcher chopped off the stranger’s hand as he held the five aces. The mummified hand was preserved in a box. It’s still there, in the fireplace.
12. Other ghosts might have beard fetishes
Situated within the mysterious stone circle at Avebury, The Red Lion pub enjoys the presence of a woman named Florrie who focuses on bearded customers.
13. You might just get lost
Glamis Castle is so riddled with secret rooms, most of its ghostly residents are there because they got trapped.
14. Or you might have to live a field
Cullonden Moor was the site of the last great battle on mainland Britain, and the armies still wander. A home for the outdoorsman, perhaps.
15. Some might just be too depressing
The plague of 1665 led to a self-imposed quarantine of Eyam, Derbyshire, and almost all of its inhabitants died.
16. And you can be too close to transport links
Bethnal Green Underground in London is haunted. So is Farringdon Station, Liverpool St. Station, Bank Station and many more. Despite the ease of travel, it’s just not the best home for the classy ghost.