"A Christmas Story" As Told By Someone Who’s Never Seen It

What’s up with the pink bunny costume?

1. Ralphie is a little boy that exists, and who is feeling some intense anxiety due to the Christmas season.

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2. It’s probably because his parents gifted him this ridiculous bunny costume, which would make anyone more than a little uneasy.

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Come on, parents!

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3. This is Ralphie’s cozy abode; looks like he either lives in the middle of America or in a suburb of Chicago.

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*Note: I’m pretty sure this thing is a museum now.

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4. Wherever he lives, it’s cold as snowballs because Ralphie’s sidekick (or brother) is rocking a full on face scarf.

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5. As evident by the bunny costume, Ralphie’s parents don’t seem to understand him and his father is a hard ass.


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6. This makes Ralphie slightly angry, leading him to spew out some snarky one liners to show his parents who’s boss.

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Also, he may or may not have the voice of a grown man.

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7. He becomes tired of the whole sucky situation, and starts lashing out in some pretty harsh ways.

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8. Ralphie even starts picking on little kids who have absolutely nothing to do with his Christmas frustrations.

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9. The only kid more evil than Ralphie is this guy, who’s either his worst enemy or his best friend.

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Probably best friend, though.

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10. Not approving of his outlandish shenanigans, mom becomes livid and gives Ralphie the soap treatment.

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People actually used to do this, yikes.

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11. Ralphie hides in the cupboard because enough is enough, and he’s sick of this shit. When will the world understand him?

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Mom tries to apologize, it ain’t happening mom. Also, that’s Ralphie right?

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12. In a turn of events, Ralphie heads to the local mall in search of someone who can help him through these troubling times.

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*idea spark*

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13. He ascends this fake snowy mountain to sit on Santa’s lap and confess all that’s been happening.

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14. But Santa doesn’t get it. Santa is just as clueless as Ralphie’s parents, if not more.

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15. As a consolation prize for well, nothing… Santa throws Ralphie down a slide.

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16. Much to Ralphie’s surprise, this is the wake up call he needs to get his attitude together and stop being a grinch.

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17. Lessons are now learned: when life gives you lemons, chill out and think about all the good things that make you smile.

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18. Also, snail mail always has and always will make people feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

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Especially during Christmas time.

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19. And dares are the most terrifying thing ever.

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Shit, now I have to.

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20. Most importantly, you attract more friends with honey than you do a BB gun.

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And honey will never shatter your glasses. This is a fact.

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21. And above all, even though your family may not understand you 100% of the time, they are still your family and this is still Christmas… So you know, be jolly!

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And all of this because of that damn bunny costume.

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