Eight Reasons As To Why New Car Dealerships Are About As Cool As Tobacco Use

Excluding baseball players and rednecks, from Utah to the farthest reaches of the east coast, Americans are realizing that tobacco use is stupid and not nearly as cool as the Marlboro Man originally made it out to be. Likewise, buying a new car couldn’t be dumber. Where tobacco and flashy automobiles fail, fleshy pink lungs and used cars have excelled.

1. Insane Depreciation

blueprintsys.com

Each day, smokers flock to Las Vegas to place money into a machine that takes it away permanently. Interestingly enough, serving as a type of slot machine is the very parking lot on which a dumb person is considering the purchase of a new car. Similarly, you will lose thousands of dollars in just a few minutes.

2. Monthly Installments

salem-news.com

Addiction is a metaphoric prison in its own right. Paying $400 dollars a month for a car over the next 10 years is sentence damning enough to cause most convicted felons to cringe at the thought.

3. Higher Auto Insurance Premiums

mexperience.com

Health insurance is the perfect stocking stuffer for the smelly smoker in your life. If he or she, unfortunately, has to pay for their own health insurance, steep auto insurance premiums will be the last thing the will want to see. Sadly, with a new car, that’s exactly what they’ll be looking at. Do yourself a favor and go with a used car.

4. Anxiety

blog.bicyclism.net

If you thought walking on pins and needles was hard, try driving on them. Now try driving on them with yellow teeth. This just got real.

5. A Hoodlum’s Ideal Canvass

californiaqualityinsurance.com

Not even the most prudent of young people from Utah can resist the crisp, clean side paneling of a new car. It simply must be keyed. Crazy as it seems, the very same young people from Utah actually have no issue with smoking. Life’s funny sometimes.

6. Warranties Not Worth Writing Home About

infinity-glass.net

Unbeknownst to most, nearly all used cars are sold with the manufacturer’s powertrain warranty still in effect because they have yet to exceed the warranty’s age or mileage limits. While smoking may not come with an official warranty, each pack does contain a very specific message from a certain Surgeon General that reads, “Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and may complicate pregnancy.” New cars, while nifty by nature — not a rap group from the 90s, by the way — don’t come equipped with warranties as impressive as you might have thought.

7. Additional Expenses

car-parts-spain.co.uk

If anything, smoking is expensive and requires a constant flow of cash. In a similar fashion, all cars, whether new or used, don’t run on Duracell batteries and need repairs. Expensive repairs.

8. Waste of Money

transitionvoice.com

Though covered in nearly each of the aforementioned items, new cars and their respective dealerships are money-sucking entities. Remember that scene from “The Dark Knight” where the Joker burns money? Not a far-fetched concept, in reality.

Lucas Miller writes for Open Book Autos. He is a writer at Fusion 360, an advertising agency in Utah.