If British Supermarkets Were Real People

Asda and Tesco would have a fight in Lidl's car park.

1.

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M&S would really care. They would care that everyone was having a nice time, they would care that their fish came from sustainable sources, they would care if their Boxing Day party buffet was as good as Mrs Jones' at her Christmas Eve drinks. And if it wasn't they'd cry themselves to sleep in a bucket of mini rolls.

2.

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Tesco would be the most popular kid at school. But instead of disappearing into nothingness like most popular kids at school, Tesco would get an impressive job at an insurance company. And you'd stalk him on Facebook and see that he had a really fit wife and really cute kids. Tesco looks like he has the perfect life, but you will always remember when Tesco pushed you into a puddle when you were trying to chat up that girl and she laughed and never spoke to you again.

3.

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Co-op man doesn't go shopping very much. Usually his wife does it, but she's away speaking at a conference. He has to buy dinner for the kids and it's a bit overwhelming. He's not the best-value dad, nor the fanciest dad, but at this moment in time he is the only dad, so he will provide.

4.

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Sainsbury's gives £2 a month to every charity that puts a leaflet through her door. She cooks with quinoa and buys books from actual shops instead of Amazon. She signs a lot of petitions online. She wishes she only shopped at farmers' markets, but they're not on very often and are a bit pricey. Besides they don't sell custard creams.

5.

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Lidl is a student with too much free time on his hands. For him it's worth it to get a lift with his mate to the industrial estate so he can get knock-off spirits for half the price. He's also very impressionable, so will come home with a bat-and-ball set and a One Direction lunch box, because it was bants and they had them in a 99p bucket by the till.

6.

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Waitrose lives the high life. He isn't really aware there are other supermarkets. His idea of a good time is buying a vegetable no one has heard of and making it into a dinner party game. Suffers from gout.

7.

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Asda is ruthless. She has no problem name-calling when it comes to calling out the other supermarkets on their DISGRACEFUL prices. She uses parents' evening as a chance to tell the teachers how to do their job. She spends a lot of time writing letters to newspapers about how her area has changed since a Lidl moved in next door.

8.

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Aldi spends a lot of time at his allotment. He hates to waste money and he hates to waste time, but when they've got a deal on a new piece of DIY equipment he can't help but buy it, but to sleep at night he needs to think of a logical reason why he needs it. His home is covered in unfinished DIY projects.

9.

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Morrisons is basically your gran. She used to shop around for deals, but now she just goes to the shop that has the best parking.