1. First things first, you’re the awkwardest:
*To the tune of “Fancy”, even though you’re anything but*
2. No one should even ask you to talk on the phone:
“Yes hi, I prepared a mental script before making this phone call, so I would appreciate it if you didn’t deviate from that.”
3. or FaceTime:
Let’s be honest, I’m going to spend more time looking at myself in the little box to make sure I don’t look like a monster than pay attention to the conversation.
4. And face-to-face? Well that’s just painful for the both of you:
5. Before talking to people, you have to self-motivate not be awkward:
Channel Beyonce just this once, please.
6. But then someone goes in for the high-five, and you go in for the hug:
You’ve already blown #5 in the first 30 seconds.
7. It actually pains you to make eye contact with anyone:
Yeah, I see you’re looking at my face, but I’d rather look at the sky.
8. You forget how to speak in coherent sentences:
I mumbled that entire sentence, so have fun figuring out what I just said.
9. Awkward silences theme half of your conversations:
I WOULD RATHER BE ANYWHERE, BUT HERE RIGHT NOW. I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.
10. So, naturally you try to make a joke to fill the silence:
You are incredibly awkward to talk to, but some people think that’s just part of the joke. #blessyou
11. But, your sixth sense is knowing the exact moment you’ve made the others feel uncomfortable:
My joke was a little too weird for only meeting you five minutes ago, huh?
12. You can’t talk about yourself ever:
“Can you tell me a little about yourself?”
“I’m sorry, I literally just forgot everything I’ve ever enjoyed in my entire life.”
13. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, OH DO YOU OVERSHARE:
I’m so nervous, I don’t know what I’m saying.
14. You feel like Ricky Bobby from “Talladega Nights” all the time:
I’m either going to use them to talk through the whole conversation or keep them awkwardly at my side — I like to keep it interesting.
15. “Enjoy your movie!” “You too.”
*never goes to same movie theater again*
16. You don’t really make great first impressions:
I do not have the talent of conversing with people at all, really.
17. Sometimes, you are not awkward at all and you feel like the social butterfly you were meant to be:
YEAH, I’M THE BEST THAT EVER LIVED.
18. But other times, you start talking and forget mid-way what you were even saying:
19. Really, I’m just going to keep filling in this awkward silence with random nonsense:
You’ll start to notice me backing away slowly, be calm, I’m just trying to escape.
20. Your battery life sucks due to the amount of time you spend on it trying to avoid conversation with someone:
Seriously, it’s not you it’s me.
22. Then late at night, you think about how awkward you were in every conversation that day:
Why did I do that? Why did I say that? I should have said this! Take me back. Take me back. Take me back. *covers face in blankets*
23. So of course, you go and bury your feelings in the one thing you can actually talk to:
No awkward silences, just food. #bless