My buddy tried to do The Worm at a club 4 free drinks. He flopped 1 time & dislocated his shoulder. Straight 2 the hospital #badspringbreak
1st spring break, woke up on the beach with a seagull eating hotdog out of my mouth #badspringbreak
Dad takes us on family vaca. 1 jug water, 6 ppl, 1600 miles. We're so thirsty we're crying. Dad tells us to "drink our tears #BADSPRINGBREAK
My chubby pal was on front page of local paper shirtless & boozing. Caption read "Not everyone is in shape for spring break" #badspringbreak
Drove 20 hours to Florida b/c our friend's uncle had an "amazing" condo for us. Turns out it was in a senior nudist colony. #badspringbreak
@jimmyfallon She emailed it was over. Waited. Got impatient. Called me and said "you should check your email" then hung up. #awkwardbreakup
Broke up with bf. He was apparently so drunk that he forgot and showed up to hang out the next day. Had to break up again. #awkwardbreakup
I once had a girl break up with me in the jean aisle of Marshalls. #awkwardbreakup
@jimmyfallon My nephew who's about 6 prayed before dinner one night.. "Dear Lord. We started from the bottom now we're here." #myweirdfamily
My dad makes bird noises in the grocery store to let my mom know where he is #MyWeirdFamily
My grandparents didn't want a DVD player because they thought the laser would escape and burn down the house #MyWeirdFamily
When I asked my parents why they never gave me the sex talk they said it was because they weren't worried #myweirdfamily
I taught my 3 year old to say "nailed it" after every answer during her first eye exam, right or wrong. #MyWeirdFamily
If you're getting beat up start to laugh and pretend you enjoy it, it will creep them out and they'll stop. #worstadvice
When you see a shark's fin swim directly toward it to establish dominance. #worstadvice @jimmyfallon
@jimmyfallon #worstadvice B4 trip 2 Tijuana "u can drink the frozen margaritas cuz ice kills the bacteria" no it doesn't! #immodiumlove
@jimmyfallon #worstadvice "you should carry around a banjo at college, that way, you can be the 'banjo guy'." - my mom
At every bump in the road, the glove compartment would fall on my passenger's knee and their seat would fall back #MyWorstCar
My dad drove a truck with rope tied around each windshield wiper. He pulled a side, the passenger pulled back. #MyWorstCar #actuallymydads
@jimmyfallon My air vents didn't work because they were blocked up by a squirrel nest. #MyWorstCar
The horn would honk on it's own sometimes. So when it did I would just wave my hand out the window like I had seen a friend! #MyWorstCar