The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time

Don’t ever try to diss any of these historical figures. You will feel the burn for the rest of your life.

1. Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner

ID: 13264

2. Oscar Wilde Vs. Lewis Morris

Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship.

ID: 13265

3. Winston Churchill Vs. George Bernard Shaw

ID: 13263

4. Winston Churchill Vs. Lady Astor

ID: 13266

5. Calvin Coolidge Vs. An Opera Singer

ID: 13267

6. Muhammad Ali Vs. Joe Frazier

ID: 13275

7. Winston Churchill Vs. A Member Of Parliament

ID: 13269

8. Winston Churchill Vs. Bessie Braddock

ID: 13262

9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Vs. An Admirer

ID: 13271

10. Miriam Hopkins Vs. An Anonymous Singer

ID: 13272

11. Ilka Chase Vs. An Anonymous Actress

ID: 13273

12. John Wilkes Vs. John Montagu

ID: 13261

13. Mohandas Gandhi Vs. Western Civilization

ID: 13268

14. Edna Ferber Vs. Noel Coward

Coward was remarking upon the fact that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.

ID: 13276

15. James McNeill Whistler Vs. Oscar Wilde

After Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.

ID: 13284

16. Pierre Trudeau Vs. Richard Nixon

Upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.

ID: 13277

17. Thomas Reed Vs. Henry Clay

ID: 13274

18. Earnest Hemingway Vs. William Faulkner

ID: 13278

19. John Barrymore Vs. A Woman In The Lady’s Room

Barrymore was drunkenly urinating in the wrong bathroom, and turned to face his accuser, penis in hand.

ID: 13279

20. Robert Benchley Vs. A Man In Uniform

ID: 13281

21. Niels Bohr Vs. A Reporter

ID: 13282

22. Groucho Marx Vs. A Contestant on “You Bet Your Life”

After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.

ID: 13283

23. Henry Clay Vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster

After seeing a pack of mules walk by.

ID: 13285

24. Alcibiades Vs. Pericles

ID: 13287

25. Abraham Lincoln Vs. Stephen Douglas

After Douglas called him “two-faced” during a debate:

ID: 13288

26. Bill Clinton Vs. Dan Quayle

After Quayle revealed that he planned to be “a pit bull” in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore.

ID: 13289

27. Reverend Edward Everett Hale Vs. The U.S. Senate

When asked if he prayed for the Senators.

ID: 13291

28. Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor

When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.

ID: 13286

29. NY Mayor Ed Koch Vs. Andrew Kirtzman

After the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made.

ID: 13292

30. Abraham Lincoln Vs. A Foreign Diplomat

After the diplomat found Lincoln polishing his boots in his office.

ID: 13293

31. Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference

After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.

ID: 13294

32. Dorothy Parker Vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross

Parker had been on her honeymoon, when Harold Ross interrupted her to ask why she was late with a book review.

ID: 13270

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