The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time

Don’t ever try to diss any of these historical figures.

1. Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner

2. Oscar Wilde Vs. Lewis Morris

Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship.

3. Winston Churchill Vs. George Bernard Shaw

4. Winston Churchill Vs. Lady Astor

5. Calvin Coolidge Vs. An Opera Singer

6. Muhammad Ali Vs. Joe Frazier

7. Winston Churchill Vs. A Member Of Parliament

8. Winston Churchill Vs. Bessie Braddock

9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Vs. An Admirer

10. Miriam Hopkins Vs. An Anonymous Singer

11. Ilka Chase Vs. An Anonymous Actress

12. John Wilkes Vs. John Montagu

13. Mohandas Gandhi Vs. Western Civilization

14. Edna Ferber Vs. Noel Coward

Coward was remarking upon the fact that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.

15. James McNeill Whistler Vs. Oscar Wilde

After Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.

16. Pierre Trudeau Vs. Richard Nixon

Upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.

17. Thomas Reed Vs. Henry Clay

18. Earnest Hemingway Vs. William Faulkner

19. John Barrymore Vs. A Woman In The Lady’s Room

Barrymore was drunkenly urinating in the wrong bathroom, and turned to face his accuser, penis in hand.

20. Robert Benchley Vs. A Man In Uniform

21. Niels Bohr Vs. A Reporter

22. Groucho Marx Vs. A Contestant on “You Bet Your Life”

After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.

23. Henry Clay Vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster

After seeing a pack of mules walk by.

24. Alcibiades Vs. Pericles

25. Abraham Lincoln Vs. Stephen Douglas

After Douglas called him “two-faced” during a debate:

26. Bill Clinton Vs. Dan Quayle

After Quayle revealed that he planned to be “a pit bull” in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore.

27. Reverend Edward Everett Hale Vs. The U.S. Senate

When asked if he prayed for the Senators.

28. Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor

When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.

29. NY Mayor Ed Koch Vs. Andrew Kirtzman

After the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made.

30. Abraham Lincoln Vs. A Foreign Diplomat

After the diplomat found Lincoln polishing his boots in his office.

31. Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference

After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.

32. Dorothy Parker Vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross

Parker had been on her honeymoon, when Harold Ross interrupted her to ask why she was late with a book review.