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rapture

5 Things To Do If You Get Left Behind In The Rapture (Illustrated By Cute Animals!)

If you’re reading this after Saturday, it means that the evangelicals are all gone and, worse - they were right the whole time. Don’t you feel like an asshole? Oh, and also, sucks about all those earthquakes and the pestilence and the locusts, huh? Bet you wish you’d thought about that when you were busy having loose morals and, like, making unholy deals with Satan Himself so that you could spend a few more pathetic moments of your life watching America’s Next Teen Mother instead of consulting Leviticus on appropriate hairstyles and sex partners. Anyway, after shit goes down this Saturday, we’ll only have ‘til October to make the best of things before The Lord God swallows up the entire earth in a cataclysm of fire and torment and, like, probably snakes. Wow, God is such a stupendous asshole. (It’s OK, we can say that now, because IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE.) Moving on - here are 5 things you can do to make your last five months on this doomed planet ever-so-slightly less filled with agony and horror than it would otherwise be.

1. Loot, Loot, Loot

If undertaken responsibly and safely (tip: wear a bike helmet!), looting can be exhilarating, profitable, and fun! But don’t go straight for the designer stores - empty symbols of superficial worldly status won’t be anywhere near as useful to you now as they used to be. Instead, think about your three Cs: Canned goods, Cigarettes, and Combat weapons. You should be able to find all of these things in the Household Essentials aisle at Walmart.

2. Take Up Smoking

Really no need to worry about lung cancer anymore, folks. The only other major knock on delicious, delicious cigarettes is the cost, which, well, see Tip 1 above. Anyway, I’m fairly sure we won’t have a recognized national currency anymore pretty soon. What with the apocalypse and everything.

3. Read The Bible

I don’t know - maybe there are some clues in there or something? I mean, clearly we should have been taking this thing A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUSLY during the past 2K years or so. Sample quote: “I will sweep away everything in all your land, says the LORD. I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity.” It’s all right there, dude.

4. Take Over A Radio Station

The entire left side of the dial will be totally up for grabs when the evangelical Christians disappear exactly like they said they would. Somebody hilarious needs to take over a radio station and play It’s The End Of The World As We Know It on a loop. Lighten the mood a bit.

5. Change Your Sinful Ways

Haha, just kidding. It’s too late for that! You are so fucked!

Bet you wish you’d thought about that when you were busy having loose morals and, like, making unholy deals with Satan Himself so that you could spend a few more pathetic moments of your life watching America’s Next Teen Mother instead of consulting Leviticus on appropriate hairstyles and sex partners. Anyway, after shit goes down this Saturday, we’ll only have ‘til October to make the best of things before The Lord God swallows up the entire earth in a cataclysm of fire and torment and, like, probably snakes. Wow, God is such a stupendous asshole. (It’s OK, we can say that now, because IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE.)  Moving on - here are 5 things you can do to make your last five months on this doomed planet ever-so-slightly less filled with agony and horror than it would otherwise be. 

1. Loot, Loot, Loot

 If undertaken responsibly and safely (tip: wear a bike helmet!), looting can be exhilarating, profitable, and fun! But don’t go straight for the designer stores - empty symbols of superficial worldly status won’t be anywhere near as useful to you now as they used to be. Instead, think about your three Cs: Canned goods, Cigarettes, and Combat weapons. You should be able to find all of these things in the Household Essentials aisle at Walmart.  

2. Take Up Smoking

 Really no need to worry about lung cancer anymore, folks. The only other major knock on delicious, delicious cigarettes is the cost, which, well, see Tip 1 above. Anyway, I’m fairly sure we won’t have a recognized national currency anymore pretty soon. What with the apocalypse and everything.  

3. Read The Bible

 I don’t know - maybe there are some clues in there or something? I mean, clearly we should have been taking this thing A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUSLY during the past 2K years or so. Sample quote: “I will sweep away everything in all your land, says the LORD. I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity.” It’s all right there, dude.  

4. Take Over A Radio Station

 The entire left side of the dial will be totally up for grabs when the evangelical Christians disappear exactly like they said they would. Somebody hilarious needs to take over a radio station and play It’s The End Of The World As We Know It on a loop. Lighten the mood a bit.  

5. Change Your Sinful Ways

 Haha, just kidding. It’s too late for that! You are so fucked! 

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