1. Loot, Loot, LootIf undertaken responsibly and safely (tip: wear a bike helmet!), looting can be exhilarating, profitable, and fun! But don’t go straight for the designer stores - empty symbols of superficial worldly status won’t be anywhere near as useful to you now as they used to be. Instead, think about your three Cs: Canned goods, Cigarettes, and Combat weapons. You should be able to find all of these things in the Household Essentials aisle at Walmart.
2. Take Up SmokingReally no need to worry about lung cancer anymore, folks. The only other major knock on delicious, delicious cigarettes is the cost, which, well, see Tip 1 above. Anyway, I’m fairly sure we won’t have a recognized national currency anymore pretty soon. What with the apocalypse and everything.
3. Read The BibleI don’t know - maybe there are some clues in there or something? I mean, clearly we should have been taking this thing A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUSLY during the past 2K years or so. Sample quote: “I will sweep away everything in all your land, says the LORD. I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity.” It’s all right there, dude.
4. Take Over A Radio StationThe entire left side of the dial will be totally up for grabs when the evangelical Christians disappear exactly like they said they would. Somebody hilarious needs to take over a radio station and play It’s The End Of The World As We Know It on a loop. Lighten the mood a bit.
5. Change Your Sinful WaysHaha, just kidding. It’s too late for that! You are so fucked!
- U.S. presidential candidates are making their final pitches before the New Hampshire primary, the second voting contest of the nominating season 🇺🇸
- At least 9 people are dead and 150 others injured after two trains collided in Bavaria, Germany, local police say.
- The Pentagon has confirmed that North Korea successfully launched a satellite into orbit on Sunday night.
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