5. So you can begin some deep experiments with the mystical art of the tofu scramble.
6. To experience the heartwarming joy of hearing your grandma pronounce it “Vay-gun,” as if you were an alien from the planet Vega.
7. So you can become a master of opening tempeh packaging …
8. … and an expert in the thousand different ways to prepare tempeh once you’ve managed to get it out of the packet.
9. To fully understand the mysterious equation that nutritional yeast makes things delicious in an exactly inverse proportion to how gross the name “nutritional yeast” sounds.
10. And that the same goes for Braggs Liquid Aminos.
11. So you can try that thing where you make a sandwich with tempeh bacon, vegetarian ground beef, soy sausages, vegan chicken wings, and a tofurkey deli slice and glory in the fact that no less than five different fake animals died for your lunch.
12. So you can know the secret truth about protein.
13. And experience the profound pleasure of saying this to someone:
14. To have the life-altering experience of being stranded on a desert island where you have no choice but to starve or eat meat (this is a common initiation rite for new vegans).
15. So you can make Buffalo Cauliflower Wing Pizza with Tofu Blue Cheese Spread.
16. And Black Rice Phyllo Tarts.
17. And Maple Apple Cider Tofu with Stuffing and Apple Cranberry Chutney.
18. So you can learn the slightly unfortunate secret that a little bit of Vegenaise makes everything better.
19. To become ninja fast at reading complex ingredient labels.
20. To develop x-ray vision to scan menus for the hidden, secret vegan options.
21. And for identifying meat in buffet salads and sandwiches.
22. So you can help animals…
23. And feel pretty good about your relationship with the environment…
24. And lord it over everyone else until they hate you and don’t invite you to parties anymore (don’t do this).
25. So you can learn all the cool, secret vegan songs.
26. So you can begin to incorporate these surprisingly creative vegan smoothie recipes into your life.
27. And discover the insane versatility of the chickpea.
28. And eat your weight in hummus.
29. So you can pick a side in the veggie burger wars and defend your preference to the death from other vegans.
30. So you can discover the joys of vegetarian sushi.
31. So you can stop thinking about cholesterol.
32. And start thinking about vegan bahn mi sandwiches.
33. So you can start spelling animal names with weird apostrophes and stuff.
34. So you can join the naked vegan cooking movement?
35. So you can read The Vegan Stoner.
36. And Vegansaurus.
37. And play along with the ambitious and wonderful Veganize Betty Crocker project.
38. So you can go to Real Food Daily.
39. And Blossom.
40. And Millenium.
41. And enjoy the community of your favorite local vegetarian diner.
42. So you can answer all these questions:
46. So you can find an opportunity to make this joke:
47. And plenty of opportunities to secretly find this joke funny:
54. And this guy:
55. So you can experience cashew cheese.
56. And enjoy the thoughtful, supportive comment sections on websites where people mention veganism as a lifestyle choice (jk, jk).
57. And so you can eventually learn the mind-blowing, life-changing, world-expanding secret to the universe that they only tell you when you reach the highest level of veganism (Level 5).
Have fun, good luck!
- Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore is dropping out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He got 133 votes in New Hampshire.
- MLB issued its first-ever lifetime ban for performance enhancing drugs to New York Mets' Jenrry Mejia.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.