Quiz: Which Wakefield Twin Are You?

Once you’ve caught up on the finer points of Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love, it’s time to look deep into your own soul and figure out once and for all whether you’re a Jessica or an Elizabeth.

1. 1. Who are you more likely to go to the dance with?

   
   1. The handsome captain of the basketball team.
   2. Some utter no-hoper “class clown” goofball whose actual literal name is Winston Egbert.

2. 2. You are going to some godawful sorority/fraternity dance because for some reason your high school has a sorority? What do you wear?

   
   1. A white strapless dress that perfectly compliments your tanned skin and blonde hair.
   2. Blue, slinky dress with a handkerchief hemline, spaghetti straps, and a neckline so low that all the boys will be panting.

3. 3. Your mom tells you that you and your sister can borrow the red Fiat convertible to drive to school but your sister has to drive on account of the fact that you JUST CRASHED THE CAR LAST WEEK. What do you do?

   
   1. Freak out and throw a major hissy fit and somehow manage to imply through your crocodile tears that the real reason this is happening is because your mom “loves your sister more than you.”
   2. This is not a thing that would happen to you, because you always follow the rules.

4. 4. Which of these two unpleasant things are you more likely to say?

   
   1. “I’m so gross! Just look at me. Everything is totally wrong. To begin with, I’m disgustingly fat. I swear I have the bumpiest knees in America. There could be a telethon just for all the things that’re wrong with me!”
   2. “Even if he’s not handsome, he doesn’t have three heads, for heaven’s sake! That suits me just fine. I can relax and have a good time without worrying about groping hands and fighting someone off at the front door.”

5. 5. One of the richest, best-looking guys in school, Bruce Patman, asks you out. What do you do?

   
   1. “Bruce Patman, I’d rather stay home for the rest of my life than go anywhere with you!”
   2. Are you kidding me? He has a PORSCHE. Just let me press my best jeans and throw on that cute tuxedo shirt and I’ll be right there!

6. 6. What do you hate most about yourself?

   
   1. The fact that you will never take any risks because you are snivelingly afraid of success.
   2. The secret knowledge that, no matter how beautiful you are, your noxious personality cannot but have something of an alienating effect.

7. 7. What is your preferred method of alienating people?

   
   1. Judging them.
   2. Betraying them.

Quiz: Which Wakefield Twin Are You?

1. 

   You got: You Are Elizabeth Wakefield

   You are an insufferable, ass-kissing goodie two shoes who would be literally the first person in your entire school to collaborate with an oppressive regime and turn in members of the resistance, because “the rules are the rules.” Secretly, you are always judging everybody, but it only comes out in this sort-of generalized prissiness rather than as substantial criticism because you are so busy hating yourself that you have neither the backbone nor the studied insight to formulate a halfway-useful opinion of anyone or anything outside your own pathetic existence. You are that most reviled of God’s creatures: A self-hating solipsist.

2. 

   You got: You Are Jessica Wakefield

   You are a sociopath who preys on the fears and insecurities of others to advance your vicious, hateful agenda that popularity is somehow a divine right. Literally the only thing that you think about is how you appear to other people, because you are so ugly on the inside that even the smallest hint of introspection or self-analysis might destroy you forever. Lying, manipulation, and emotional blackmail are your tools, and twisting everything that is beautiful into a grotesque parody of your own self-loathing is your trade. You do not know how to love.

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