Comment proving that I really do read other people’s posts and am not on facebook just to collect a plethora of witless followers though I really don’t and I really am. This is also a clever way of getting the attention of your friends in an effort to collect more followers. So are the down cleavage, upskirt pics to which I manage to redirect your attention by mentioning my drunken photo op at the bar last Friday when we were discussing this very topic.

Avoiding political firestorm and just clicking “Like”.

FTW!

says something about too long, did not read, but actually read it and doesn’t want to admit it.

I have no personality or witty comment to make so I resort to a poorly timed FIRST.

Says something bizarre and completely off topic.

TL;DR.

OLD BUZZFEED YOU ARE SLACKING

The Bait-Taker must have an IQ of 3. Who ‘blows off an important assignment’ to post a tiny status update?

Comment referencing Hitler for Godwin’s Law.

Comment out of discomfort with being a lurker.

Strangely worded spam for some kind of computer something on an Asian-sounding site (or maybe it’s medicine?)

I’ll point to an example of how this has some basis in reality then link to another somewhat unrelated example which bears a passing resemblance to this article and finish up by agreeing this is still a funny post.

so true

Comment expressing my contrarian opinion to the group consensus in a transparent attempt to redirect interest from the original topic to myself.

Make strange internet reference. Post picture (step optional).

says something inane and uses an emote

Posting something witty, smart, and insightful in the hope that I get a gold star or “Gotcha Pug”.

Comment agreeing with what most here have said, after first having read all comments to see which way wind is blowing.