Ask A Dumb Cat

A weekly column offering advice, consolation, and life lessons from A Dumb Cat.

Dear Dumb Cat,

My husband and I have not had, for lack of a better term, “relations,” in more than 7 months, because he is always too stressed out from his job to “do the deed.” Everything else is fine between us, and he is even very physically affectionate towards me when he gets home from the office (I work at home most days), but as soon as things start to “get physical,” he always claims that he is too stressed out and just wants to cuddle so he can “unwind.” What can I do to get things back to the way they used to be?

-Frustrated in Fresno

Dear “Frustrated,”

Next time your husband is at work and you are alone in the house, find a corner near the window where the sun shines through into a warm patch on the floor. Lie in that warm patch and sleep (or, if you are unable to sleep, just pretend that you are, like, a throw rug) until the sun goes down. Seriously - stay here for literally the entire day without even moving. When your husband eventually returns from the office, entwine your body around his ankles and make plaintive noises until he feeds you.

Yours,

A Dumb Cat

Dear Dumb Cat,

When our neighbors moved into their house a year ago, my wife and I brought them a welcome basket. Since then, we have invited them to our monthly movie night, had them round for dinner twice, and given their children rides home from school too many times to count. NOT ONCE have any of these favors been acknowledged, let alone reciprocated. Do you think we should confront them about this, or just turn the other cheek?

-Peeved in Peoria

Dear “Peeved,”

You would be surprised at how often I am asked questions exactly like this one. Let me give you the same advice that I always give to people in this situation: The very next time that you and your wife have a free weekend, climb in through your neighbors’ window and find the closet where they keep their shoes. Once you’ve located the footwear, spend a surprising amount of time rubbing your face on it and smelling it. Feel free to put your face right up inside one of the shoes if you are so moved. People’s shoes often smell really interesting because that is where they keep their feet.

Yours,

A Dumb Cat

BuzzFeed Animals’ Ask A Dumb Cat™ is an unbelievably inane weekly advice column from a dumb cat who doesn’t even know how to do anything except sleep and eat and generally be a pain in the ass and not even sit on your lap when you want him to. Would you like said advice? Email your questions to [e-mail].