1. Cats Who Will Help You Write Your Novel
Cats who help you write your novel are notorious for reminding you that Graham Greene woke up every morning and wrote exactly 500 words. This is particularly obnoxious because most cats haven’t even read anything written before the 21st century and probably only have the vaguest sense of who Graham Greene is anyway.
2. Majestic Horses Who Will Help You Walk Your Dog
It is almost never worth it to engage the services of a majestic horse to help you walk your dog. An otherwise simple task is guaranteed to get weird and disastrous in a hurry.
3. Hedgehogs Who Will Help You with Your History Homework
Hedgies are notorious for trying to help you with your history homework. Feel free to take their advice, but be mindful of the fact that most of them have an unapologetically Marxist ideology.
4. Cats Who Will Show You How to Brush Your Hair
Cats who show you how to brush your hair can be extremely useful to have around on those mornings when you have forgotten literally everything about how to live your life.
5. Dogs Who Will Help You Get the Cat In
Dogs who offer to help you get the cat in have ulterior motives and shouldn’t be trusted.
6. Cats Who Think They Are Saving the Day
Don’t press a cat who thinks she is saving the day too hard about what, precisely, she is saving. Animals with this tendency have very delicate sensibilities, and it can be very depressing for both of you if you accidentally burst their bubbles.
7. Cats Who Will Help You See Things From a Different Perspective
Are you upside-down, or is the world upside-down? Or is “right-side-up” just a concept that’s been forced on you by an oppressive patriarchal hegemony? Think about it, man.
8. Puppies Who Will Help You Fill Out Questionnaires
Never trust a puppy who is overeager to help you fill out a questionnaire. Nine times out of ten there is something in the fine print that’ll end up with your living in a kennel or something.
9. Hedgehogs Who Will Help You Celebrate
A word of warning: Things can get pretty existential pretty quickly when you rely on the hedgehog to get you in a celebratory mood.
10. Huskies Who Will Help You Relax in a Hammock
These helpful animals will also help you to take a more expansive view of the meaning of the words “help,” “relax,” and “hammock.”
11. Kittens Who Will Help You Keep Watch
Watch kittens are prone both to crying wolf when there’s nothing to worry about and falling asleep or losing interest when there is. It is highly recommended that you rely on some kind of an automated system if you are genuinely worried about security.
12. Pomeranians Who Will Help You Model Socks
Poms are the perfect dog for sock-modeling, though you may need to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions about some of the things that you think are an appropriate use of your time.
13. Cats Who Will Help You in the Kitchen
Cats make great sous-chefs, but be sure to double-check the cookbook after they read the recipe to you, on account of they are all completely illiterate.
14. Cats Who Will Help You Do the Laundry
Cats are notoriously clean animals, and they can be great helpers when it comes to laundry time, provided you need someone to sit in your laundry.
15. Dogs and/or Goats Who Will Help You Do the Dishes
Dogs and goats make great dish inspectors, which is a thing that any sophisticated household requires unless you’re willing to let your dishes go uninspected. Which, well, do so at your peril.
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- An order from the U.S. Supreme Court means Texas abortion clinics affected by a new state law can stay open while the law is challenged.
- Transgender women can be housed in women's immigrant detention facilities under new guidelines issued today.