A Layman’s Guide To The 2010 World Cup

The World Cup is going to happen really soon! Your friends and loved ones are probably going to want to talk to you about this important soccer-related event, and you will probably want to have some things to say in return, so it feels more like a conversation. Here’s a crash course!

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Brazil is probably going to win the World Cup this year. They are the best team. And the other best team, Spain, will likely be on the other side of the bracket, so if you’re a betting kind of person, bet on a Brazil/Spain final. Here’s what’s so good about Brazil and Spain:

Brazil

As usual, Brazil is pretty much overloaded with talent. Top of the list has to be Real Madrid striker Kaka (whose real name is kind of a mouthful) on account of he can do superhuman shit like this: You should also keep an eye out for Sevilla striker Luis Fabiano, who was the top scorer in last year’s Confederations Cup, with five goals in Brazil’s cup-winning appearance. The only real knock on Brazil is that they have a tough draw in the early rounds, with both the Ivory Coast and Portugal to contend with on their way out of the group stage. They call Brazil’s group, Group G, “The Group of Death.” (There’s always a group of death in the World Cup. It’s kind of a tradition.) What makes Group G particularly fatal, honestly, is Portugal, who are ranked fifth in the world and have Cristiano Ronaldo, who is an asshole but an undeniably talented asshole. Cristiano Ronaldo

Spain

Barcelona Striker David Villa leads a talented Spanish squad in what may be their best ever chance at World Cup glory. Coming off a Euro Cup championship in 2008, the Spaniards may be the best contenders to knock off Brazil and bring home the cup. Highlights of Spain decimating Belgium in the qualifying rounds If the Brazilians and Spaniards aren’t doing it for you for some reason, the other absolute best teams in the world are England and Argentina. Here are some things to think about when you’re thinking about England and Argentina.

England

England’s success is going to depend on whether striker Wayne Rooney is healthy enough to be a factor, and whether they can stop being a bunch of fucking choke artists. If England finally gets their collective shit together after the last 44 years of World Cup drought, the rest of the world will have to learn the words to this song:

Argentina

Argentina has the best player in the whole world! His name is Lionel Messi. You should try to watch Argentina games so that you can watch Lionel Messi perform. Soccer has not seen the likes of Lionel Messi in a generation. Here is an example of what Lionel Messi can do. Also worth thinking about here is Argentina coach Diego Maradona. In addition to being one of the elite World Cup players of all time, Maradona is batshit crazy. So that’ll be fun to watch.

The Netherlands

Also. Don’t forget about The Netherlands! They have four of the best strikers in the world, a devastating Midfield, and a super-easy Group stage to get through (Denmark, Japan, and Cameroon). Expect big things from the Dutch squad this year. Here’s a taste of what star striker Robin Van Persie can do when he finds his form.

But what about the U.S. team?

The U.S. team is OK. And honestly, they might surprise some people by making a run at it, but they’ll need to do a lot better than they have been, and you’ll want to hope for some above-average performances from their team of Damarcus Beasley, goalkeeper Tim Howard, and a bunch of World Cup noobs. Assuming favorites England win the group, the U.S. team will need to outplay Algeria and Slovenia if they want to make it into the next round. Take heart, though, USA fans. Your boys surprised the shit out of Spain last year by actually beating them. Which is hard to do. For more important information on Team USA (specifically who are the most handsome players on the team), check out this list.

What games should I watch?

Here’s the schedule for the first games! You should probably start by watching England/USA play each other on June 12 at 2:30 ET. That should be a good game. Have fun!

Favorites

 Brazil is probably going to win the World Cup this year. They are the best team. And the other best team, Spain, will likely be on the other side of the bracket, so if you’re a betting kind of person, bet on a Brazil/Spain final. Here’s what’s so good about Brazil and Spain:  

Brazil

 As usual, Brazil is pretty much overloaded with talent. Top of the list has to be Real Madrid striker Kaka (whose real name is kind of a mouthful) on account of he can do superhuman shit like this:   You should also keep an eye out for Sevilla striker Luis Fabiano, who was the top scorer in last year’s Confederations Cup, with five goals in Brazil’s cup-winning appearance.  The only real knock on Brazil is that they have a tough draw in the early rounds, with both the Ivory Coast and Portugal to contend with on their way out of the group stage. They call Brazil’s group, Group G, “The Group of Death.” (There’s always a group of death in the World Cup. It’s kind of a tradition.) What makes Group G particularly fatal, honestly, is Portugal, who are ranked fifth in the world and have Cristiano Ronaldo, who is an asshole but an undeniably talented asshole. Cristiano Ronaldo 

Spain

 Barcelona Striker David Villa leads a talented Spanish squad in what may be their best ever chance at World Cup glory. Coming off a Euro Cup championship in 2008, the Spaniards may be the best contenders to knock off Brazil and bring home the cup.  
Highlights of Spain decimating Belgium in the qualifying rounds If the Brazilians and Spaniards aren’t doing it for you for some reason, the other absolute best teams in the world are England and Argentina. Here are some things to think about when you’re thinking about England and Argentina.  

England

 England’s success is going to depend on whether striker Wayne Rooney is healthy enough to be a factor, and whether they can stop being a bunch of fucking choke artists. If England finally gets their collective shit together after the last 44 years of World Cup drought, the rest of the world will have to learn the words to this song:  

Argentina

 Argentina has the best player in the whole world! His name is Lionel Messi. You should try to watch Argentina games so that you can watch Lionel Messi perform. Soccer has not seen the likes of Lionel Messi in a generation. Here is an example of what Lionel Messi can do.  Also worth thinking about here is Argentina coach Diego Maradona. In addition to being one of the elite World Cup players of all time, Maradona is batshit crazy. So that’ll be fun to watch.  

The Netherlands

 Also. Don’t forget about The Netherlands! They have four of the best strikers in the world, a devastating Midfield, and a super-easy Group stage to get through (Denmark, Japan, and Cameroon). Expect big things from the Dutch squad this year. Here’s a taste of what star striker Robin Van Persie can do when he finds his form.   

But what about the U.S. team?

 The U.S. team is OK. And honestly, they might surprise some people by making a run at it, but they’ll need to do a lot better than they have been, and you’ll want to hope for some above-average performances from their team of Damarcus Beasley, goalkeeper Tim Howard, and a bunch of World Cup noobs. Assuming favorites England win the group, the U.S. team will need to outplay Algeria and Slovenia if they want to make it into the next round. Take heart, though, USA fans. Your boys surprised the shit out of Spain last year by actually beating them. Which is hard to do.   For more important information on Team USA (specifically who are the most handsome players on the team), check out this list. 

What games should I watch?

 Here’s the schedule for the first games! You should probably start by watching England/USA play each other on June 12 at 2:30 ET. That should be a good game. Have fun! 

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