In the U.S., we’ve spent the past year trying to decide which politician we like the most (or dislike the least). Literally ALL of this time is time that could have been spent focusing on hedgehogs.
Was this a mistake? Yes. In fact, this may have been the biggest mistake we have EVER made. Consider the facts:
1. Regardless of party affiliation, most politicians are more interested in stealing babies than they are in almost anything else.
Hedgehogs, meanwhile, can fit comfortably into your cupped, outstretched hands.
2. The best possible time that a politician can have is when he or she is “filibustering,” which is a fancy word for wasting everybody else’s time without even having the decency to be interesting about it.
Hedgehogs, meanwhile, enjoy putting on tiny little hats and going for a stroll, which is both interesting, and not a waste of time at all.
3. In cold weather, hedgehogs find a warm blanket to curl up in and watch the world go by …
… whereas politicians maliciously take out their frustration at the poor climate on innocent bystanders.
4. Hedgehogs particularly enjoy cupcakes.
Politicians, on the other hand, will indiscriminately eat anything that is handed to them if they think it will ingratiate them with the public.
5. When politicians are in need of comfort, they hold each others’ hands.
HEDGEHOGS CAN SIT IN YOUR HANDS.
6. When faced with adversity, politicians make pouty stink faces and yell at people.
Hedgehogs know no adversity.
7. When a hedgehog looks in your eyes, you can see into the warm depths of her gentle soul.
To forestall any such shenanigans on your part, politicians are never seen without their sunglasses.
8. Politicians get in tanks.
Hedgehogs get in pumpkins.
9. Politicians relax by pretending to be fighter jet pilots.
Hedgehogs relax by pretending to be soft-boiled eggs.
10. Hedgehogs are, very sensibly, wary of rabbits.
Politicians, on the other hand, are completely incapable of showing even a reasonable amount of restraint around rabbits, regardless of the potential danger to themselves, their loved ones, or, indeed, the United States of America.
11. When a hedgehog tells a story, you listen.
Politicians think that a good story is the one about that time they went to a mattress factory.
12. Politicians always look like they are about to throw some kind of a tantrum.
Hedgehogs look like hairbrushes!
13. Politicians allow their dogs to decide where they are going, and, by extension, where this country is going.
Hedgehogs consider dogs their peers, but not their betters.
14. Politicians take expensive vacations at resorts.
Hedgehogs take baths in the sink.
15. When they are not bathing, hedgehogs like to stay dry!
When they are not bathing, politicians like to make it rain.
16. Finally, here is a picture of a hedgehog in a slipper that is also a hedgehog, for Christ’s sake. And you’re still seriously thinking about voting for a politician in November? May God help us all.
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- An Ohio man is suspected of fatally shooting his neighbor in the face before running her over with a lawn mower.