1. A baby is like a parasite feeding off of your body… and blood.
2. This mushy monster is inside of you. THIS IS INSIDE OF YOU.
3. Oh, you’re not hungry because you just ate an hour ago? Too bad. BABY WANTS FOOD NOW.
4. When you’re pregnant, your hormones are basically a ticking time bomb of emotions.
God help the person who catches you on a bad day.
5. You get scary flexible because of your hormones.
6. Your feet, hands, belly, and everything else swells to insane proportions without exploding.
Somehow… Maybe witchcraft?
7. Sometimes, your uterus grows so much that it can cause a separation of your abdominal muscles.
11. While the baby’s inside you, it gives absolutely zero fucks about kicking and punching.
And sometimes they manage to kick really hard!
12. All of this goes on for an excruciating nine months.
13. The baby lets you know its ready to come out by discharging or “breaking” water out of your vah-ginee.
14. Oh, and when the baby is finally ready to arrive, it will actually rip your body apart.
15. When the baby comes out, it’s usually covered in blood and vernix.
Vernix is a waxy white substance that develops in the uterus. Cute.
16. After birthing the baby, you also birth the placenta.
17. And when the baby’s 14- to 18-inch umbilical cord is cut, your body expels it from you within a half hour.
It just comes out of you, like the baby itself.
18. With all of the pushing that happens during childbirth, you might just poop the bed.
19. Babies bite your nipples when they feed from you.
20. When you’re pregnant, your entire body will give off a warm and unexplained glow.
21. A few months after giving birth, though, your hair will start falling out in clumps.
22. But after it’s all said and done, you find the beauty in this messy ordeal.
23. And if you choose to have a sequel, you can only hope for the best…
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›