Which Episode Of "Maury" Describes Your Life?

The results are in…

1. 1. Would you sleep with your brother's fiance?

   
   1. Yes, but only if no one would ever find out about it.
   2. News flash: We’ve already had sex! Boo-yah!
   3. So long as it’s nowhere near any cotton balls!
   4. If they’re a 10… maybe.
   5. Quick question: they’re human, right?

2. 2. If you were bored, would you hire someone to murder your lover?!

   
   1. Hell yes, and I’d get away with it!
   2. Would it get me publicity? Because if so, then yes.
   3. Totally, and I’d have sex with the hitman after.
   4. I’m pretty sure my lover is cheating on me, so absolutely.
   5. I’d murder them myself if they brought any cotton balls into my house.

3. 3. Flowers, love 'em or leave 'em?

   
   1. Love ‘em! My fans send me flowers all the time!
   2. My lover only sends me flowers when I find strange bite marks on his neck…Leave ‘em.
   3. Who needs flowers when we can bone instead?
   4. I’m not buying flowers for anyone until they prove that they’re faithful.
   5. Love flowers, hate cotton balls.

4. 4. What would you do if you found a strange tooth in your house?

   
   1. I’d have sex with that tooth.
   2. I dunno, but I bet my lover would blame it on “the dog” again.
   3. I’d probably freak out, because teeth kinda look like cotton balls! LOL.
   4. I’d call my bodyguards to check the whole house. Seriously, I have crazy fans.
   5. Not sure, but I’ll tell you one thing: That is NOT my tooth!

5. 5. On a Friday night, how many people would you ideally like to sleep with?

   
   1. That depends on how many condoms I have.
   2. The only person I’m sleeping with on a Friday night is a big mirror.
   3. The better question is: How many people am I NOT sleeping with? LOL.
   4. Just one person…so long as they answer my phone calls.
   5. Ideally I’m sleeping as far away from any cotton balls as possible.

6. 6. What breakfast item would you like to be named after?!

   
   1. A bacon, egg, and do me sandwich!
   2. DoughNOT the father
   3. Waffle with a side of absolutely no cotton balls.
   4. A bear claw, so I can rip a skank’s face off.
   5. I don’t get named after breakfast foods, breakfast foods get named after me.

7. 7. Has this question ever crossed your mind?

   
   1. No, the only thing that crosses my mind is a fear of cotton balls.
   2. I don’t have to wonder, I KNOW he is.
   3. I am two billion percent sure that has never entered my mind.
   4. Who cares about that. It’s worse if he’s cheating on me!
   5. I need to call my publicist before answering this.

8. 8. What would it take for you to have sex with a complete stranger?

   
   1. As long as it’s revenge sex, I’m down.
   2. I’d need to see their business card before I decide.
   3. All I need is a good, clean, cotton-free time.
   4. Who told you I have sex with strangers? They’re liars!
   5. I’m having sex with a stranger right now!

9. 9. Have you ever been bullied?!

   
   1. Not to my face, but I’m pretty sure it’s happened behind my back.
   2. No. Never. Nope.
   3. If anything, I did the bullying.
   4. I don’t even know what that word means. Is it a type of expensive meat?
   5. If it’s by an inanimate object, does that count?

10. 10. What pet name best suits your lover?

    
    1. “My biggest fan”
    2. “Next”!
    3. “Steel wool”
    4. “The creeper”
    5. Lover? No, I definitely don’t have one of those.

Which Episode Of "Maury" Describes Your Life?

1. 

   You got: You’re afraid of cotton balls!

   Some people might think this is a pretty odd phobia. After all, it’s just a fluffy, soft, little ball of cotton, and…Hold on, are you totally hyperventilating right now? Wait! Don’t run off the stage! We’ll pull back on the cotton talk and ask that nice man dressed entirely in cotton balls to have a seat. Nope? You’re still running away? Alright then.

2. 

   You got: Your lover is having an affair (and maybe with a dog)!

   Well, this is a tough one. Yes, you have a dog, but is that love mark a little nip from Fido or a sex bite from a trollop? There’s only one way to find out: take your case to Maury for a lie detector test.

3. 

   You got: You’re a sexy celeb look-alike!

   It ain’t easy being this flawless, but some diva’s gotta do it! Sure, you may not be the real deal, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be treated like one. You do you, babe, and keep rocking your doppelgänger look.

4. 

   You got: You’re a sexually active teen!

   Well, look who found a fun after school activity! You may be young, but you certainly know what you want out of life. (Hint: it’s sex.)

5. 

   You got: You are NOT the father!

   Let’s be honest: you’re no saint, but you’re also not the father of that chick’s baby! You slept with her once, maybe twice without protection, and that’s just not enough times to make a real baby. Plus, you’ve got the DNA results to prove it. (Congrats, big guy!)

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