1.
Every time you experience something wonderful, like a Big Gulp, don't be afraid to profess your patriotism.
2.
Limit your vocabulary to words that are made in America.
3.
Develop a love for all types of meats on sticks.
4.
Remember that you are a hunter, and the world is your buffet.
5.
Avoid fruits, they're only trying to keep you down.
6.
Have a healthy affection for all superstores.
7.
If you go to brunch, this is how you should order:
8.
Know that aside from bacon, the only thing that's allowed to touch your mustache is an adorable puppy.
9.
Dance as if you've just won the bacon lottery.
10.
Freely exercise the right to do whatever the hell you damn well please.
11.
And if anyone questions your lifestyle choices, respond with something strong and American:
14.
THE RIGHT TO BEAR GOLD-ENCRUSTED ARMS.
15.
And acknowledge the most underrated right of this nation: freedom to eat.
16.
Accept that the government is kind of a joke.
17.
And don't be afraid to indoctrinate the younger generations.
18.
Find a way to add bacon to every meal, snack, and moment of your life.
19.
Just say no to salad, it's a trap.
20.
But love ice cream, because it tastes like liberty.
21.
Celebrate the differences between you and your fellow countrymen!
22.
Don't give in to celebrating anything that's not America's birthday.
23.
Take up hobbies that bring you closer to nature.
24.
Know that America isn't perfect, but it can be.
25.
Don't give up the last piece of meat without a fight.
26.
Drink whiskey like it's beautiful, life-giving water. (BECAUSE IT IS.)
27.
And encourage your fellow Americans to do the same.
