1. Task someone on the outside with the responsibility of maintaining your non-prison life.
2. When faced with a khaki uniform, don’t lose your sense of personal fashion.
6. Be willing to share all of your horrifying life choices in prison AA meetings.
8. Know that nothing is sacred, and you SHOULD sell your hair in exchange for favors.
9. Celebrate the small, caramel filled parts of your jail time.
10. If someone throws their slice ‘o’ pie to defend your honor, YOU ARE THEIR WIFE.
11. If you spot a chicken, just remember that you’re going insane, and keep that shit to yourself.
13. If you’re going to insult someone, make that shit creative.
14. Otherwise you may have to eat spicy peppers and create a salve to make up for it.
15. No matter how zen you are, if someone pushes you too far don’t be afraid to clock them.
17. If you take a J.K. Rowling book from the prison library, you better RETURN THAT SHIT.
18. Mentally and physically prepare your booty hole for random searches.
19. The best place to cry is on the prison phone, where everyone cries.
20. When you feel like you can’t take another second of prison life, just remember that tomorrow might be taco night.
In The News Today
- The European Union is now using naval vessels in the Mediterranean to intercept boats that are smuggling refugees and migrants to Europe. ›
- Texas carried out its 11th execution of the year on Tuesday — the most of any state — putting to death an inmate who murdered a man over $8. ›
- The U.S. is investigating how a cargo ship with 33 people on board sank during Hurricane Joaquin. The ship went missing in the Caribbean last week. ›