21 Things You Need To Know To Survive Prison On "Orange Is The New Black"

Be willing to sell your hair, for starters. posted on

1. Task someone on the outside with the responsibility of maintaining your non-prison life.

2. When faced with a khaki uniform, don’t lose your sense of personal fashion.

3. Shower slippers, for example, are often a good way to do that!

4. STEER CLEAR OF STRAIGHT LADIES.

5. And embrace your inner “lesbianing” urges.

6. Be willing to share all of your horrifying life choices in prison AA meetings.

7. Loud sirens = hit the floor.

8. Know that nothing is sacred, and you SHOULD sell your hair in exchange for favors.

9. Celebrate the small, caramel filled parts of your jail time.

10. If someone throws their slice ‘o’ pie to defend your honor, YOU ARE THEIR WIFE.

11. If you spot a chicken, just remember that you’re going insane, and keep that shit to yourself.

12. TRUST NO BITCHES.

13. If you’re going to insult someone, make that shit creative.

14. Otherwise you may have to eat spicy peppers and create a salve to make up for it.

15. No matter how zen you are, if someone pushes you too far don’t be afraid to clock them.

16. Know your place in the prison workforce.

17. If you take a J.K. Rowling book from the prison library, you better RETURN THAT SHIT.

18. Mentally and physically prepare your booty hole for random searches.

19. The best place to cry is on the prison phone, where everyone cries.

20. When you feel like you can’t take another second of prison life, just remember that tomorrow might be taco night.

21. And always remember: YOU ARE INNOCENT.

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