1. “Are you hungry?”
Yes, I’m really fucking hungry. Like, I’d really enjoy a bowl of mac ‘n’ cheese right now, but I can’t have that because I’M ON A DIET.
2. “You don’t need to diet, you look awesome.”
Look, I’m not a total dick. I appreciate the nice thing you just said, but it’s taking every ounce of my willpower to stay on this diet. And literally any piece of negativity hurts my soul. So, thank you, but please fuck off also.
3. “Have you tried [insert other diet here]?”
No, no I haven’t. I’m trying the diet that I’m currently on.
4. “Are you totally miserable right now?”
Well this question certainly made me feel miserable.
5. “It’s all about portion control.”
Wait… are you serious?! All this time I thought it was about a witch who used a hex to curse me to an eternity of kale! THANK GOD YOU TOLD ME THIS NEW FACT I NEVER KNEW ABOUT.
6. “Have you tried working out?”
Yes. I have tried working out. And as it just so happens, I am doing that in conjunction with eating healthy. They go hand in hand.
7. “How’s the diet going?”
Can’t you tell? Grrrrrrrrr.
8. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
It’s just a diet, and just because I’m trying to eat healthy, doesn’t mean I’m a masochist. It just means that I’m trying to get it tight, and get it right. Respect.
9. “Good for you.”
THANKS. I don’t feel like I’m 5 years old now.
10. “Don’t you miss food?”
I’m eating food, it’s just healthier stuff. But yes, I’d basically streak naked through the polar vortex if there was a doughnut at the end of it.
11. “Can you drink?”
This question makes me want to drink.
12. “You know 90% of people gain all the weight back after three months right?”
Yeah but 10% DON’T.
13. “But I made this cake. You can have A LITTLE cake.”
This is just plain evil. You know cake is the gateway drug.
14. “Is there anything you can eat there?”
I’ll figure it out. And if not, I’ll just suggest another restaurant. It’s called compromise.
15. “You should read that New York Times article about dieting…”
You mean the one that says “don’t diet”? Yeah, I read that one. But did YOU see that other New York Times article about the best diet to try?
16. “I’m lucky, I never gain weight!”
Well la-di-da. I didn’t realize you had won the gold medal in Making Me Feel Like I’m Losing the Diet War.