1. hey = I give zero effs about you, so hey.
2. Hey (sent from iPhone) = The above, but with the unfortunate autocorrect aspect, which makes it seem like you might actually give an eff about what this person thinks of you.
3. hi = I’m acknowledging you exist, but I’m also pretty annoyed about it.
4. hi pal! = I not only hate you, but I despise you, and I want to let you know just how little you mean to me by using the condescending moniker of “pal.”
5. Hello. = I view you as an authority figure, so I’m going to be as formal and grammatically correct as possible.
6. sup? = Please don’t ever talk to me again.
7. Hey boo = I really need to talk, and you’re one of my best friends, so please say hey back so I can start the venting sesh immediately.
8. Hey girl = Hate you. Hate you so fucking much.
9. herro = We’re really comfortable with each other, so much so that this isn’t offensive in any way.
10. hiiiii = I totally forgot to write you back, and now I feel kinda badly. SORRY.
11. hola! = I just want you to think I’m cool. (I’m totally cool, right?)
12. Howdy doody. = I’m your grandpa.
13. Ello! = I have a crush on you and I feel weird about it.
14. hiya = I’m starting to panic, because I haven’t heard from you in a long time, but I also don’t want you to know that I’m panicked so… please, please just say something back. ANYTHING.
15. haiiii = Like “hiiiii,” but I actually do feel bad.
16. Haaaaayye (sent from iPhone) = I really just wanted to type “haiiii,” but my phone kept autocorrecting me and, well, here we are.
17. Hii!! = I’m actually REALLY excited to hear from you!!
18. heyooo = Why haven’t you responded to that thing I originally sent? I don’t want to seem like a dick, but I kind of need a response, so… figure your life out.
19. hi :) = Like “hi,” but I think you’re cute and don’t want to seem overly eager.
20. yo = I’m a twentysomething brah, and also a virgin.
21. G’day = I’m that really creepy dude you hate talking to, so I’m trying to make you feel at ease by being a little cutesy. Hope it’s working! I’m going to definitely keep trying! G’dayyyyy.
22. hey hey = I hate myself for typing this too.
23. hihihi = I’m not actually busy, but I want to seem like I am so you’ll leave me the fuck alone.
24. hey sexy ;) = I’m a douchebag, and if you respond to this in a way that isn’t running as fast as possible, then I’m going to take it as a sign that you want to have intercourse with me.
25. aloha = Like “G’day,” but this person is even creepier.
26. bonjour =: Like “G’day,” but this person is a legit serial killer.
27. hey there = I feel nothing. I think you’re a terrible excuse for a human being, and I hope you burn in the fires of hell.
28. hey you = We’re in the early stages of flirting, and I’m confident that I have all the power right now.
29. whuddup = I want to say hey, and also find out what you’re doing tonight so that I can be a hanger on.
30. whaddup whaddup = I want to seem casual, yet interested.
31. wasssuuuppp = I miss the ’90s.
32. hullo? What I’m really asking is, “The fuck is wrong with you?”
33. heya = I’ve done something humiliating and need to confess.
34. HEYYYYYYY = I’m optimistic that by using caps you’ll respond sooner and I can tell you a humble brag.
35. hayyyy gurl hayyyyy = I have a big favor to ask you!!!
36. hihasdgiii = I’m drunk.
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