1. It’s hard enough to stand out while dating, so make sure to give yourself an epic name.
Like Tommy Wiseau, which is French-Armenian-Irish for, “The Greek God of Love.”
2. Carry around something all-American, yet sexy, to show you’re a patriot who’s DTF.
Patriotism is sooo hot right now.
3. Women like men who are thoughtful, so look off into the distance to suggest you’re thinking about something deep, like spoon art.
Women love spoon art.
4. Make it known that you’re the kind of guy who gives 110%.
5. Calling her a princess doesn’t hurt either.
6. Treat your girl-princess right and buy her a stunning spaghetti strap red dress.
7. And a little aphrodisiac, like choc-OOOO-late.
8. Or a dozen red roses from that flower shop with the pug who sits on the counter.
9. Give enough signals so that even a man as dense as Mark can take the hint.
10. Before having sex, pillow fight with a younger neighborhood kid.
12. Set the mood with red candles to match that sexy red dress.
13. Dance. Slowly. Yes, that IS IT.
14. Let your lady love struggle while trying to remove your shirt, so she knows you’ve still got the upper hand.
15. But take off your own pants, LIKE A BOSS.
16. Sheer canopy the fuck out of your bedroom. Just make it RAIN GAUZY.
17. When you finally bone, make it special by staying under the white sheets.
19. If all of that doesn’t work, start drinking a mixture of rose and vodka.
20. Get totally blackout drunk…
21. And let your princess use your tie as a chic head sash.
All while continuing to drink, like a fish.