The Ultimate Guide To Dating, As Told By “The Room”

The cult classic film celebrates its 10th anniversary this month. To ring it in properly, here’s a dating guide inspired by the writer, director, and star of the film: Tommy Wiseau.

1. It’s hard enough to stand out while dating, so make sure to give yourself an epic name.

Like Tommy Wiseau, which is French-Armenian-Irish for, “The Greek God of Love.”

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2. Carry around something all-American, yet sexy, to show you’re a patriot who’s DTF.

Patriotism is sooo hot right now.

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3. Women like men who are thoughtful, so look off into the distance to suggest you’re thinking about something deep, like spoon art.

Women love spoon art.

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4. Make it known that you’re the kind of guy who gives 110%.

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5. Calling her a princess doesn’t hurt either.

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6. Treat your girl-princess right and buy her a stunning spaghetti strap red dress.

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7. And a little aphrodisiac, like choc-OOOO-late.

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8. Or a dozen red roses from that flower shop with the pug who sits on the counter.

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9. Give enough signals so that even a man as dense as Mark can take the hint.

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10. Before having sex, pillow fight with a younger neighborhood kid.

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11. And laugh it off when things take a turn for the creepy.

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12. Set the mood with red candles to match that sexy red dress.

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13. Dance. Slowly. Yes, that IS IT.

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14. Let your lady love struggle while trying to remove your shirt, so she knows you’ve still got the upper hand.

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15. But take off your own pants, LIKE A BOSS.

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16. Sheer canopy the fuck out of your bedroom. Just make it RAIN GAUZY.

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17. When you finally bone, make it special by staying under the white sheets.

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18. But when you get out of bed, let you ass flag FLY.

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19. If all of that doesn’t work, start drinking a mixture of rose and vodka.

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20. Get totally blackout drunk…

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21. And let your princess use your tie as a chic head sash.

All while continuing to drink, like a fish.

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22. Look, dating is really tough, because chances are that the chick you just boned is gonna cheat with your BFF Mark.

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23. But keep searching for that someone special who can keep their red dress on, because as Tommy so deftly puts it:

Love IS blind, but not so blind that I can’t understand my feelings for you: TOO MANY TO HANDLE.

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