1. It’s hard enough to stand out while dating, so make sure to give yourself an epic name.
Like Tommy Wiseau, which is French-Armenian-Irish for, “The Greek God of Love.”
2. Carry around something all-American, yet sexy, to show you’re a patriot who’s DTF.
Patriotism is sooo hot right now.
3. Women like men who are thoughtful, so look off into the distance to suggest you’re thinking about something deep, like spoon art.
Women love spoon art.
4. Make it known that you’re the kind of guy who gives 110%.
5. Calling her a princess doesn’t hurt either.
6. Treat your girl-princess right and buy her a stunning spaghetti strap red dress.
7. And a little aphrodisiac, like choc-OOOO-late.
8. Or a dozen red roses from that flower shop with the pug who sits on the counter.
9. Give enough signals so that even a man as dense as Mark can take the hint.
10. Before having sex, pillow fight with a younger neighborhood kid.
12. Set the mood with red candles to match that sexy red dress.
13. Dance. Slowly. Yes, that IS IT.
14. Let your lady love struggle while trying to remove your shirt, so she knows you’ve still got the upper hand.
15. But take off your own pants, LIKE A BOSS.
16. Sheer canopy the fuck out of your bedroom. Just make it RAIN GAUZY.
17. When you finally bone, make it special by staying under the white sheets.
19. If all of that doesn’t work, start drinking a mixture of rose and vodka.
20. Get totally blackout drunk…
21. And let your princess use your tie as a chic head sash.
All while continuing to drink, like a fish.
22. Look, dating is really tough, because chances are that the chick you just boned is gonna cheat with your BFF Mark.
- [Dominica Prime Minister Roosevelt Skerrit said that Tropical Storm Erika killed 20 people there, and set the island back 20 years from the damage. ›] (http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/at-least-5-people-are-missing-after-tropical-storm-erika-thr)
- [Police are investigating the death of Jamycheal Mitchell, 24, who was arrested months ago in Virginia for allegedly stealing about $5 worth of groceries. He was found dead in his jail cell last week. ›] (http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimdalrympleii/black-man-held-for-months-for-stealing-5-worth-of-snacks-fou)
- Owen Labrie was found not guilty of felony sexual assault charges stemming from a 15-year-old former student's accusations that he raped her at St. Paul's School. ›