1. Welcome to America! Land of the free, and home of the Sexual Chocolate.
2. A country where you can start out as the son of a Sicilian mafioso…
3. And wind up an impossibly handsome heir to the Soul Glo fortune.
Damn Darryl, that’s some comb you got, boo.
4. It’s the kind of place where you can make traffic stop with a simple “TALK TO THE HAND” gesture.
Wield that power, my fellow Americans!
6. A place where you can expect your requests to be met.
7. And demand a better, freer life than the generations before you.
8. Sure, everyone has to start somewhere.
9. And that “somewhere” is likely to be an incredibly filthy apartment in Queens.
10. PS — Don’t use any elevators when you’re in that Queens dump.
11. But most importantly, America is a country where you can choose who you want to fall in love with…
13. Who was killed because of your mafioso roots.
15. OK, a LOT OF TIME to find someone special who’s not crazy.
16. But when you find that lasagna-loving Garfield to call your own, it’s totally worth it.
17. Did I mention you should definitely get in good with their father?!
18. That’s because America is a country where family comes first.
19. And you respect your parents.
20. Because let’s face it: If you don’t, they’ll have you killed.
21. Don’t worry, this is something that happens all the time, because as Michael Corleone says…
22. But hey, perk up! You can start your own business!
23. Be a hero!
24. Or be a killer!
25. If you want to, you can treat women as equals.
26. Or just let them ask you one question for the rest of their lives.
27. Either way, it doesn’t matter — you’re just living the American dream!
30. And Sexual Chocolate…
31. People will be lining up to kiss that ring.
Heck yes, America! This land is your land, Soul Glo’s land, and most certainly the Corleone’s land.
- A conservation group at Oxford University told BuzzFeed News that media reports of Jericho's death were not true and the 11-year-old lion was "alive and well".
- A Memphis police officer was shot dead on Saturday night while conducting a routine traffic stop, according to a statement from the Memphis Police Department.
- Joe Biden has begun to "actively explore a possible presidential campaign," the New York Times reports.