1. Welcome to America! Land of the free, and home of the Sexual Chocolate.
2. A country where you can start out as the son of a Sicilian mafioso…
6. A place where you can expect your requests to be met.
7. And demand a better, freer life than the generations before you.
8. Sure, everyone has to start somewhere.
9. And that “somewhere” is likely to be an incredibly filthy apartment in Queens.
10. PS — Don’t use any elevators when you’re in that Queens dump.
13. Who was killed because of your mafioso roots.
15. OK, a LOT OF TIME to find someone special who’s not crazy.
17. Did I mention you should definitely get in good with their father?!
18. That’s because America is a country where family comes first.
19. And you respect your parents.
21. Don’t worry, this is something that happens all the time, because as Michael Corleone says…
22. But hey, perk up! You can start your own business!
23. Be a hero!
24. Or be a killer!
25. If you want to, you can treat women as equals.
26. Or just let them ask you one question for the rest of their lives.
27. Either way, it doesn’t matter — you’re just living the American dream!
30. And Sexual Chocolate…
31. People will be lining up to kiss that ring.
Heck yes, America! This land is your land, Soul Glo’s land, and most certainly the Corleone’s land.
- David Fry, the last of the Oregon wildlife refuge occupiers, has surrendered to the FBI, ending a 40-day protest.
- Physicists have found gravitational waves: wrinkles in space-time that could open up a new way to see the universe 🔭
- Time for Democratic presidential debate number six: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders will face each other in Wisconsin tonight 🇺🇸