18. “Fire crotch!”
Why it’s offensive: Let’s assume that you didn’t just say the word “crotch” and that I will not crawl into a dark corner so I can die of humiliation. If that’s the case, then this isn’t offensive at all! Well done.
How to rephrase: “Fire socks!” or “Fire water!” or “Fire-eater!” or pretty much anything without the word “crotch” in it.
17. “Are you a natural ginger?”
Why it’s offensive: Plenty of people dye their hair red, sure. But you’re not just going to stop a brunette, for example, in the street and ask if they’re a natural. Yet, here we are…
How to rephrase: “Your hair is beautiful, like the sun shining on Beyoncé’s smile.”
16. “Is it true that redheads have fiery tempers?”
Why it’s offensive: It’s probably not true, because the anger I’m feeling toward you seems pretty legit right now.
How to rephrase: “What’s bothering you, friend?”
15. “I’ve never slept with a redhead before.”
Why it’s offensive: I’ve never slept with all the lights on before, what’s your point?
Just because we have red hair, it doesn’t make us an item to check off of your list of things to bone. You probably wouldn’t say, “I’ve never had sex with an Asian before,” to an Asian person, right? So, what makes it OK to say this to us? Nothing, the answer is nothing.
How to rephrase: Use a normal pick-up line like a normal human being. For example, give “Can I buy you a drink?” a go.
14. “Redheaded stepchild.”
Why it’s offensive: How about I call you a phrase that means no one likes you? Oh, right, no one likes you.
How to rephrase: There’s no way to rephrase this, just don’t say it.
13. “Aren’t redheads related to Satan?”
Why it’s offensive: Yes, we are, but that’s really none of your damn business.
How to rephrase: “Where do you hail from, friend?”
12. “I think redheads are gross.”
Why it’s offensive: Do we really have to explain this one?
How to rephrase: “You guys are only 1% of the world’s population?! We should turn you into demigods and worship at your holy feet!”
11. “Can you go out in the sun?”
Why it’s offensive: We’re redheads, not vampires.
How to rephrase: ”Would you care for some of my sunblock? I’d hate for that beautiful skin of yours to be seared!”
10. “You must be crazy in bed.”
Why it’s offensive: Yeah, we saw American Pie too, and we remember how “crazy” Alyson Hannigan’s character was. You know another movie we saw? The one where we kill you.
How to rephrase: “I’d never be foolish enough to believe stereotypes. I’d only be a fool if I didn’t tell you how hot you look with red hair.”
9. “Are you going to mate with another redhead?”
Why it’s offensive: “Mate” is such a strange, zoo-like word. We prefer “hump like rabbits” or “have fantastic sex that results in a superior species that will someday inherit the Earth.”
How to rephrase: “Redhead babies are gorgeous and do not deserve to live in a world as ugly as this!”
8. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Strawberry Shortcake?”
Why it’s offensive: Fuck this.
How to rephrase: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like a total hottie?!”
7. “Redheads have no souls.”
Why it’s offensive: Hey, maybe we don’t! But if this is what no soul looks like, then chances are we’re beating you at life.
How to rephrase: “Souls are for losers.”
6. “Did you ever see that really funny ‘South Park’ episode?”
Why it’s offensive: Yeah, we saw it. And it was really funny after we figured out how to make the tears stop leaking out.
How to rephrase: “Do you want to go egg Trey Stone’s and Matt Parker’s houses?”
5. “Hey, Red/Ginger/Carrottop.”
Why it’s offensive: If you don’t have time to learn our name, and think you can just call us “red,” “ginger,” or any other variation, then we get to call you Fuckface.
How to rephrase: Pretty much just use our actual first name!
4. “Can I buy you a redheaded slut?”
Why it’s offensive: First of all, if you’re going to buy us a shot, make it something more original than the one that includes our hair color. And secondly, no thank you, sir.
How to rephrase: “You obviously have wonderful taste, just judging by your hair color. What would you like to drink?”
3. “Redheaded men aren’t sexy.”
Why it’s offensive: Seriously? Because that hurts redhead Michael Fassbender, as well as his incredibly attractive face.
How to rephrase: If you think this is true, you are unworthy of rephrasing. Buh-bye.
2. “Does anyone ever tell you that you look like [insert any famous redhead here]?”
Why it’s offensive: Granted, we’re all gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean we look exactly alike.
How to rephrase: ”If I looked even remotely like you, beautiful redhead person, I’d wake up every day with a smile.”
1. “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
Why it’s offensive: Oh, I don’t know. I’m at a bar with my friends and I’d really rather not talk about my pubic hair. But, since you brought it up, are yours poop colored? Perhaps lemon sorbet?
How to rephrase: “Let’s do the opposite of talking about your most private of parts.”