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12 Rules All Non-Redheads Should Know

Don’t get me mad or I’ll gingersnap!

Flickr: jox1989 / Via Creative Commons

2. Rule 1: Don’t call me a “ginger.” That shit is offensive.

Why it matters: I said it! Ginger is an offensive term that lumps us all into one big category of redheads, and only fellow flame-haired folks have the authority to do that. So, instead of calling us ginger, you can go for redhead, or, ya know, try something crazy and actually use our name.

3. Rule 2: If there’s another redhead in the room, we will secretly communicate, and you just have to accept that.

Flickr: hans905 / Via Creative Commons

Why it matters: It doesn’t, really, but I just wanted to put it out there so that when you get the sinking feeling that you’re being left out, you’ll know why.

4. Rule 3: Don’t joke about us “not having souls,” or we’ll haunt your ass.

Why it matters: Because gingers make amazingly terrifying ghosts, and you really don’t want us all up in your house. I will throw plates, switch the TV on loud in the middle of the night, and tickle your feet while you sleep. So, yes, ask me about my lack of a soul again, please.

5. Rule 4: Don’t tell us we look like Julianne Moore, Ed Sheeran, or whatever other famous redhead you can name off the top of your head.

Why it matters: We don’t all look alike! That shit’s ignorant.

6. Rule 5: If you have some extra sunscreen and we’re outside together, help a girl out and offer us some! Our skins will thank you!

Screen Gems

Why it matters: Not all redheads burn, believe it or not, but we’ll still take the sunscreen. If for no other reason than it will keep our skins from wrinkling and thereby preserve the species.

7. Rule 6: Don’t ever say that you’re NOT attracted to redheads. That’s just a fucking lie.

Why it matters: Because claiming redheads aren’t attractive is like saying chocolate isn’t delicious. Only a monster would do it, and you’re not a monster… are you?

P.S. That is Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Cyntia Dicker. She’s hot as fuck.

8. Rule 7: And don’t be a hater and say that redhead men aren’t attractive, that’s just false.

Xclusive / Pacific Coast News

Xclusive / Pacific Coast News

 

Why it matters: For the same reason that rainbows matter: Because redhead men are a stunning gift from the gods and to deny their true beauty is to shit on everything that matters most.

P.S. That is Prince Harry, covered in dirt, and sweating royal buckets. He’s hot as fuck, and irrefutably the hotter prince.

9. Rule 8: Don’t touch our hair unless you ask to first, and even that is pushing it.

Why it matters: Because IT’S OUR FUCKING HAIR which is attached TO OUR HEADS. Don’t be rude.

10. Rule 9: We think imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, dye away!

What it means: Looking at you, Christina Hendricks, Emma Stone, and all of the other beautiful women made even more so through the magic of hair dye.

11. Rule 10: But if you can, try to avoid asking if our hair is natural. It helps no one.

ContentFilm / Via dukelicious.tumblr.com

Why it matters: If we said yes, then it only serves to make you mad jealous. And if we said no, then basically the conversation comes to a halt, or some awkward pause where the subject has to be changed.

12. Rule 11: Know that this phrase will make you look like a psychopath, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Why it matters: Because my pubic hair is not an opening line, or any line, it’s just not a thing we’re going to chat about over beers.

13. Rule 12: The easiest way into our hearts is to compliment our hair, because it’s fucking awesome.

Why it matters: Everyone should have a redhead BFF, or significant other, or basically just one that you like to stare at while at work. Why? Because it means you’ve brought a rare and magical being into your life. (We’re only 2% of the world’s population, bask in our uniqueness!)

14. Bonus Rule: Let’s all petition President Obama for a National Redheads Appreciation Day?

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