1. FACT: Edible Arrangements are called a “fresh fruit bouquet,” but this is not a bouquet.
Burn, epic fruit kebab burn.
3. And to make up for the fact that fruits are not flowers, they shape the fruit to look like flowers.
4. And then they cover the fruit in this weird waxiness that makes it taste bad.
6. And the fruit “flowers” are placed in a bed of kale. (Why???)
Are you supposed to eat the kale? Is the kale like an after dinner mint to help wash away the taste? What is happening here?
7. Sometimes Edible Arrangements ventures into the world of chocolate dipped fruit, which is also inexplicably placed atop a lettuce pile.
8. But fruit isn’t always meant to be dipped in chocolate, and it ends up looking sweaty, like this*.
*A gingerbread turd. That’s what it looks like, OK?
10. You might LIKE honeydew and cantaloupe, but do you really want to eat an entire basket of it?
No, the answer is no. Nobody has time for that.
11. Once you get an Edible Arrangement, it has to sit awkwardly on your desk or a counter.
12. Which is really great for the fruit flies who love exposed fruit, but not so much for anyone else.
Enjoy the feast, flies!
13. Instead of a cake, people think it’s OK to give someone a “fruit cake bouquet.”
14. “Happy Sweet 16, I hope you enjoy these fruit kebabs!”
There’s nothing tweens love more than pineapples on a stick.
15. “Happy Halloween! Hope you enjoy this FRUIT. Just kidding, fruit should never exist on Halloween!”
16. Also, this is just false advertising, because here’s what that “ghost pineapple” looks like IRL.
Go home, ghost pineapple, you’re drunk.