1. This is a fantastically bad film called “Fear,” starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon.
In the movie, Mark plays a kid from the super wrong side of the tracks who gets involved with a very young and naive Reese. They have some eye fucks, some sexy times, and then things get weird. And by weird, I mean Mark sleeps with Reese’s BFF, and tries to kill her whole family.
Even though there are a lot of “sexy” moments, they’re just a little too campy to pull off. You’ll see what I mean.
2. The roller coaster scene…
3. This is a moment when Reese and Marky Mark are on a date, or whatever, and he wipes his fingers across her lips before they go for a ride.
4. He also does this to her, which is, like, I can’t even handle.
5. Then they get strapped in, safety first! Still hot.
6. And then Marky Mark eye-effs the shit out of her.
Get it gurrrl!
7. And Reese does this… (!!!)
8. And she’s like, “Oh hell yes.”
9. And he’s all, “Mmm hmm, I know girrr.”
10. And just in case you forgot: THEY ARE ON A ROLLER COASTER.
11. A ROLLER COASTER.
12. On a scale of one to campy, this is high. I mean, how does his hand stay there perfectly?!
13. Did I mention that The Sundays cover of “Wild Horses” is playing in the background?
14. Then we move on to the virginity scene:
15. Here’s Reese, and she’s waking up because she’s just heard a noise or something.
16. Oh, right, Mark Wahlberg broke into your bedroom and took all his clothes off. Not. Creepy. At. All.
17. And then Mark just…goes for it.
18. And Reese is like, “Yeah, OK, I’m not doing anything else anyways…”
19. Then there’s this aggressive kissing, which is oddly making me sweat.
20. OK, losing your virginity hurts. But more importantly, shouldn’t they say a few sentences before boning? No? Just me? OK.
All the same, I would still totally lose my V-card to Marky Mark. Just saying. Creepy or not.
21. Then things get slightly more…interesting…:
22. Here’s Mark again, this time going solo. But what’s he doing to his chiseled chest…?
23. Oh, that’s right, he’s carving “Nicole 4 Eva” into it. Awesome.
And yes, I do mean “4 Eva,” that’s how he spelled it.
24. Yeah, OK, that is legit insane. But also, look at how that water just sprays onto him so effortlessly.
25. It’s beautiful, really.
NICOLE 4 EVA!
26. The mall bathroom scene:
27. This is when Mark has been forbidden to see Reese, so he follows her into a bathroom.
28. And this happens…
29. He’s talking about her vagina, folks. While covering her mouth with his hand…
30. Still talking about her vagina.
31. And just in case you forgot: THEY ARE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM IN THE MALL.
That lady is so confused! She just wanted to powder her nose, or whatever!
Anyone else slightly aroused or…? No? OK.