1. A toaster is not a killer robot, bowling ball, or a “hot potato.”
2. Your fish is hungry, and writing passive aggressive notes about it.
3. Your coworker thinks you’re too happy to function.
8. Don’t forget anyone’s birthday EVER.
11. If you wash someone’s dirty dishes, you get to say whatever the eff you want.
13. If you leave your children unattended, they will have the best time of their life.
15. Your friend’s soup is laced with colon cleanser: DON’T EAT IT.
16. If someone gets upset about dog poop, staple some to their sign.
17. If you steal other people’s food, they will leave you a delicious fried chicken leg.
18. Trash cans grow depressed without their bags to keep them warm.
22. Pubes are murderers, and should be arrested immediately.
- At least nine people in Colorado Springs were injured in a shooting near a Planned Parenthood clinic, officials said. ›
- At least 15 people were killed after a suicide bomber attacked a Shiite Muslim procession of hundreds of people in Nigeria. ›
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz. ›