1. Everyone, this is Joe Carroll from The Following. Joe, say hello to everyone!
[Insert British accent here.]
2. In the spirit of full disclosure—you may want to sit down for this—Joe’s a serial killer.
3. But, like, a pretty hot one, right?
Mmm killer lips.
5. And he’s got that weird obsession with Edgar Allan Poe.
Quoth the Raven: Get a new muse!
6. But he’s also a scholarly professor!
8. And orange is an oddly flattering color on him.
Prison orange, to be specific.
12. Dang boo, you need me to fill up that glass or what?
13. Sometimes he cheats on his wife*.
*Who’s technically his ex-wife, but that’s just semantics, really.
17. Other times, he and K-Bacon eye fuck the hell out of each other.
18. And yes, I realize that he is STILL a serial killer.
Who sometimes likes to keep creepy souvenirs from his victims.
19. Who’s cultivating a following of other killers for terrifying things.
His followers are pretty hot too. Just saying.
21. All Joe wants is someone to love…
And choke to death…
23. Because deep down, Joe is a man who genuinely cares…
24. …about killing.
25. And looking fresh to death while he does it.
No pun intended!