24. There won’t be a world in which cutesy lobster dates are possible without the potential for serious injuries.
23. No one’s going to hold you above their head like it’s nothing. Unless you’re a baby.
And no one puts baby in the corner.
22. One of the most shallow guys in school won’t suddenly pull a 180 and decide to be with you.
21. You won’t meet your soulmate while staring into a fish tank.
20. Some cute pervert with a photo booth fetish won’t be tracking you down for a fun date.
19. You’re not going to meet a stranger on a train and form a lifelong, lusty bond with them.
Wanna know what will happen if you meet a stranger on a train? Pretty much rent any of those Saw movies to find out.
18. You’re not going to become famous for kissing a celebrity.
Unless you get pregnant. In which case…maybe.
17. Your stepbrother won’t be making out with you for all to see on a grand staircase.
Unless, ya know, things are kinda weird in your family.
16. You won’t be serenaded by an outcast who has an unbelievably pitch-perfect voice.
15. You won’t get a chance to impress someone over and over again until you get it completely perfect.
In the real world, you get one chance to make a great first impression. End of story.
14. No one is going to write you a letter every day for a year, unless they’re a total psycho.
Even if something like that started to happen, chances are you’d call the cops rather than weep tears of love over them.
13. You’re not going to meet someone who says “As you wish” to each and every one of your insane requests.
12. Your boss isn’t going to come to your house on Christmas morning and profess his love in front of your whole family.
11. Speaking of Love Actually, your husband’s BFF won’t be writing love notes to you on giant cards.
At least, we hope they won’t be…
10. Tom Hanks isn’t going to trick you into an online relationship while simultaneously wooing you in real life.
9. You won’t see two dudes in three-piece suits wrestling in the middle of the street to win your affections.
How cool would that be, though?
8. A princess isn’t going to fall out of a sewer and abandon her fairy-tale life for you.
You’re great and everything, but no.
7. You and your tween love won’t be secretly married by a band of Boy Scouts.
6. No one’s going to buy that you’re a 16-year-old high school girl and then fall madly in love with you.
Especially not if you’re wearing all that white faux fur…
5. You won’t become a romance writer and then live out your wildest fantasies with some monkey man in the jungle.
Though, to be fair, I’d totally read a romance novel about that happening.
4. You won’t have a romantic fling with a hot ghost.
The internet hasn’t invented a dating site for ghosts yet.
3. A man with scissors for hands won’t chop up ice sculptures each winter so you can experience snow in Southern California.
2. Billy Idol and Adam Sandler won’t be allowed to freely move about the cabin to serenade you.
Have you been on an airplane recently? They’ve got that ish locked DOWN.
- Planned Parenthood officials said they believed Friday's shooting at a Colorado Springs clinic was motivated by opposition to abortion. ›
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