1. Tell them they’re great, but Paul Rudd is better.
Because Paul Rudd is hot. Like, cut from marble. And right now you’re all about sex with Paul Rudd.
2. Or if they’re totally hot, there is such a thing as being too hot to date.
Even though there really isn’t.
3. Invite them over and have a super-hot, totally naked American chick waiting in your bathroom.
In Bridget Jones’s Diary, it wasn’t a planned breakup, but yours will be!
4. Pull a Bernadine and burn everything to the damn ground. Burn it all.
5. Have sex with your couples’ therapist, then hold an impromptu session to break the news.
6. Remind them of each and every one of their flaws, corner them into a place where they’re totally enraged, and say something like, “I want to be left alone,” and then agree with that statement.
7. Be brutally honest. Like, so honest that they won’t be able to live with themselves afterward.
8. Basically be a total dick.
9. If you’re dating someone who’s sensitive: Invite them to a shitty diner and proceed to demoralize them before offering up a friendship olive branch.
10. Basically make them think they’re too poor for you.
11. Or too rich, basically.
12. Be so incredibly dreamy that when they look into your eyes they become confused and accidentally end things.
Like, too handsome to understand.
13. Show them how little you care by peeing on your wedding ring.
14. Dig up some dirt on their former ho-ish ways, refuse to accept them for who they are, and force them into dumping you by humiliating them. Totes classy.
15. Have an illicit love affair for years and, when it’s clear you both should be together in spite of the odds, pretty much refuse to grow a pair.
16. Tell them it’s time to break up because you’re a psychopath.
17. Or just let them draw that conclusion on their own.
18. Let them down easy by leaving them jilted at the altar and feeling like a total loser.
19. Tell them you don’t give a damn, like a boss.
20. Give a series of vague excuses that will rattle their neuroses for weeks, months — hell, maybe years.
It could even start to haunt their creative visions.
21. And if you’re concerned about any awkwardness after the breakup, just kill them.
We’re joking, but the movies aren’t.